Blind Date TV star Cilla Black was surprise-surprised out of her skin when the spirit of a melancholic teenager first appeared by the side of her bed one night. But there were a lorra lorra visits yet to come.'I was shaking like a leaf - or a Blind Date virgin'.
Adriano's ex-girlfriend Joana Machado says the striker's high-profile romps with Rio porn stars Strawberry Woman and Caviar Woman are "sad". "When we were together in Milan he was a very jealous guy, very twitchy. Now we're apart, he despairs." Machado says she'll have a tattoo of his name removed from under her breast before resuming a career for Playboy Brazil. "Dignity matters to my family."
Caroline Flint, the minister for Europe, who is interviewed in today's Observer Woman, says media attention on her looks is insulting
The University of Wolverhampton is a leading British university with an outstanding academic reputation
Twenty five years ago, ITV scheduled a two-part special about the French modernist composer Olivier Messiaen in peak-time on Good Friday. Nowadays, there would be more chance of a second coming of Christ.
I've just worked out how to structure my reading and stop you buying books.
I'm going to systematically read all of those books that I've told people I've read, or that people think that I have read, but that I actually haven't. I figure that this way I can be better read without actually appearing so, and when somebody recalls a conversation about books that we once had I will appear to have total recall of the discussion and be able to convince people that my contributions were much more interesting than they actually were by asking tricky questions that only someone who actually knows the book in question and remembers the debate with uncanny clarity would know about. This will add a subtle mystery to my character by persuading my friends that their memories are fading but mine are crystal clear and, indeed, intensify with the passage of time.
You, of course, will then be forced to re-read more thoroughly books that you already know and have spoken to me about, which means that you will desist from book buying and begin re-visiting those you already own.
Unless you were faking too of course...
Dear Dr [Vole]
Thank you for your e-mail to the Advertising Standards Authority.
Advertising or marketing communications whose principal function is to influence votes in local, regional, national or international elections are exempt from the advertising Codes so we are unable to investigate complaints about these.
Kind regards
Cynical Ben, in an earlier comment, suggests that this means we can found a 'Nick Griffin is a Twat' party and save up for posters proclaiming this principle. Anyone up for starting a kitty? We could extend it to UKIP as well.
“From the age of 14, when at school in Iwerne Minster, I have dreamt of fighting this seat, I am honoured that the membership chose me last night”.
"I wish to speak to you today about the tragedy of Europe. (...) Yet all the while there is a remedy which, if it were generally and spontaneously adopted by the great majority of people in many lands, would as if by a miracle transform the whole scene, and would in a few years make all Europe, or the greater part of it, as free and as happy as Switzerland is today. What is this sovereign remedy? It is to recreate the European Family, or as much of it as we can, and to provide it with a structure under which it can dwell in peace, in safety and in freedom. We must build a kind of United States of Europe. (...) The first step in the recreation of the European Family must be a partnership between France and Germany."
Winston ChurchillSpeech at Zurich University 19th September 1946
(http://www.historiasiglo20.org/europe/anteceden2.htm)
Now UKIP might claim that Winston wanted an EU to keep France and Germany peaceful without Britain necessarily being a member, but there's no denying that he was a fan, and the Franco-German union is merely 'the first step'. Even better than this, fact fans, is his plan presented to Parliament in 1940 for a united British-French nation. Eat that, a-historical little Englander bigots.
(I'm an itchy, intolerant leftwinger. Traditionally the left sees the EU as a capitalist plot, whereas the right sees it as a socialist plot). In many ways, they're both right - but I'd rather have a reformed united Europe than the centre-right government we have now).
He has now seen off all possible contenders (except perhaps a repeat performance by his good self), with a cracking 38 howlers in one short column for the Flint Journal. Ironically he made these errors in response to my exposure of his previous claims.
Amazingly, this even beats his own provisional world record for density: the ratio of falsehoods to words. His first column averaged one misleading statement for every 26 words. This one delivers one per 21 words. I intend to submit his second column to the Guinness Book of Records as the most inaccurate article ever published in a newspaper.
Secondly, this astonishing wealth of disinformation means it has probably taken me 100 times longer to respond to his article than he took to write it.
