Your Tuesday reckon

Afternoon everybody! How are you all? We're in the funny period of the year between holidays and the academic year properly starting. Our graduation ceremonies fill the last three days of the week (some students have decided that this is the ideal time to phone up and question grades or mention that there's a problem with a module they took a year ago), dreaded meetings are starting and we're getting to grips with all the administration that goes with teaching these days. Not helped, of course, by myriad forms, all of which change yearly even when the information on them doesn't.

So between filling in said forms, we pop in and out of each other's offices to sympathise, compare workloads, catch up on our holiday tales, speculate, plan hospital visits (my boss has recovered enough to be moved to the intensive unit at the local hospital and can now speak short sentences) and gossip. Core subjects this time include the pointless new card entry system for getting into the offices (see Voles passim), placing bets on how long this year's restructure will last, the sore subject of admissions, comparing teaching workloads, and how old everybody is. After many years, I'm not the youngest person (at 38 or as my family would put it, 38-and-still-no-proper-job) in the English department. There's life here after all!

We also compare summer reading. WG Sebald's The Rings of Saturn were mentioned: a non-fiction rambling account of a long-distance, er, ramble around Suffolk which is spoken of in hushed tones as a new form of writing. I must confess that I haven't successfully come to grips with it, which probably says more about me than it does about Sebald. But I know that if I want to read about the East, I'd go for Graham Swift's superb, disturbing, meditative Waterland any time.

What am I doing? I've got so many small bits of admin to do that I'm defeated even trying to work out where to start. The desk is an appalling mess mostly due to the books that have arrived recently (today: Rebecca West's The Meaning of Treason in a beautiful propagandistic pulp cover, Atwood's MaddAdam and Sayers' Murder Must Advertise, primarily for the Bright Young Thing aspect – I'm not really a crime fan though Gaudy Night was interesting). Foucault on Literature is glowering at me: it's been on the desk ready to read for a few days now but I keep getting distracted.

I'm keeping an eye on the proposed Lobbying Bill, which the government published on the last day of the previous Parliament and is trying to rush through on the first day of the new one. As you might expect from this lot, it does exactly the opposite of what it says on the tin. It doesn't regulate, control or open up lobbying to oversight. It regulates less than 1% of lobbyists while making political campaigning effectively illegal for everybody from trades unions to donkey sanctuaries to cottage hospital campaigners to your local youth club. It does so by massively widening the definition of 'political campaigning' to mean pretty much anything, and sharply reducing the amount of money organisations are allowed to spend. There's even a special section in the Bill dedicated to trades unions' memberships. Why? Not because there's a problem, but because Cameron and Clegg don't like trades unions.

Why? Because the Tories want to smash the trades unions and the Lib Dems are terrified that the National Union of Students will remind voters that many of their MPs 'signed in blood' as one of them put it, to reject £9000 student fees.

Will it stop lobbying such as that conducted by Lynton Crosby and Co, who advises the Prime Minister while taking money from tobacco firms? Or the very shadowy organisations who fund Tory campaigns, such as the Midlands Industrial Council? It is in fact so awful that Conservative MPs and lobbyists are queuing up to denounce it as a load of rubbish. Hard-right Tory Douglas Carswell calls it less well-thought out than a dog's breakfast, and never before have those liars at the Taxpayers' Alliance and 38 Degrees been united, until now.

Er… no.

Still, at least there's cricket on today: Ireland v England in a one-day international. Ireland have welcomed back Ed Joyce, who played for Ireland, then played for England, and has now decided he's Irish again. England, on the other hand, are playing Boyd Rankin, who used to play for Ireland, and Eoin Morgan, who also used to play for Ireland. Which just goes to show that the post-modernists are right. Identity isn't fixed and is largely a matter of performance. Especially when there's money and glory in the offing. So far, Ireland appear to be winning.

I'm also loving Vinnie Jones the mediocre footballer turned awful Shakespearian actor, who has announced that 'England' is far too European for his taste, because of immigration. His wisdom is delivered from, er, Los Angeles where he has lived for many years. I'm firmly convinced that celebrity culture will destroy itself thanks to the stupidity of the celebrities involved.

A temporary return to justice

After a shameful decision to exclude Ireland's cricket team (y'know, the one that beat England) and the other Associate nations from the World Cup, the ICC has accepted demands that 14 teams qualify, rather than 10, as they'd planned.

I listened to Ireland's triumph over England on the radio while at work, to the bemusement of my office colleagues. Just after it finished, I took a call from a local aspiring politician, anxious for my support in his quest to become a Labour council candidate.

Him: Listening to the cricket? I used to be a professional cricketer. Terrible about England losing.
Me: Actually, I support Ireland.
Him: Brilliant, isn't it? Great result.
Me: ???!

No doubt he'll go far, but without my support. Though you have to admire his chutzpah.

Well done Ireland, now sod off

2007: Ireland's cricket team beat Pakistan at the World Cup
2011: Ireland's cricket team beat England at the World Cup
2011: International Cricket Council ban 'associate' nations from the World Cup.
2015: Ireland's cricket team watch World Cup on TV like everyone else.

Desperately unfair. This year's World Cup was unnecessarily dragged out over too many weeks, so they're reducing the competitions by 4 teams, rather than playing the matches in a shorter period.

Only useless Zimbabwe get to go, out of the non-Test status nations. The World Cup is one-day cricket: Ireland are 10th in the world at this form of the game, whereas Zimbabwe are 11th.

What a disgusting application of the closed-shop principle. Ireland's captain, William Porterfield, is rightly furious:

"It's not just about Ireland. This could mean the death of cricket in a lot of countries … and all because a few full members are looking to make a few extra quid from the competitions. How they can turn around, shut out half the world and still call themselves a world governing body is an absolute joke.

"It is every full member's duty to look after world cricket. Now the whole integrity of the World Cup has been brought into question because this is not a World Cup, it's a glorified Champions Trophy."

Ireland's cricket victory: the gloating continues

There will be a lot more of this to come.

It's amazing what a Labour/Fine Gael coalition can achieve a mere 4 days after the election.

William Shakespeare, Botham, Quentin Crisp, Adam Ant, the Queen, David Cameron: your boys have taken a hell of a beating…

England have just lost a World Cup cricket match to Ireland! This just shouldn't happen, given the massive gulf between the teams, but it did - with several balls and wickets to spare.

Apart from the result, Kevin O'Brien set a record for the fastest World Cup century ever: 100 runs in 50 balls, and finished on 113 from 63 balls.

This is how the Guardian's commentators put it:

 I'm not sure even those words can do this justice. Ireland were completely out of it at the halfway stage, but then Alex Cusack and particularly Kevin O'Brien decided to give it a lash, with astonishing consequences. O'Brien demolished the record for the fastest World Cup hundred, smashing his off only 50 balls; and then, at the finish, Ireland were ice cool. They played with stunning maturity when the pressure was on. Ireland have also set a new record for the highest World Cup chase. More importantly, they've beaten England. At cricket. England had a shocker, but this is not about them. It's about one of the most charming and joyous wins we'll ever see and a match we will never forget, at least not until we're in the special home and the faculties have gone. 

This is definitely one of the most amazing results in any sport - what a shame that the cricket authorities are planning to block the Associate nations (Ireland, the Netherlands, Kenya, Canada and so on) from the World Cup.

A big day for Ireland

No, not the Ireland v Bangladesh match in the Cricket World Cup: it's general election day too, in which the Irish people are going to express their disgust at crony capitalism by voting for the crony capitalist party which was on the other side in the Civil War.

That'll show the bankers…

(By the way, Ireland's quite amused by Cameron telling you all that the Alternative Vote system is rubbish and complicated: Ireland uses the STV method of proportional representation, and everybody seems to understand it quite well).

Massacre at the crease

It's the third 'England'-Pakistan Test match today. England destroyed the Pakistanis in the first two, but it's the other way round today: after 16 overs, England are 47-4, thanks to the efforts of their tricky bowlers.

Follow it live here.

It's just not cricket

The 'England'-Pakistan Test match is a thriller, swinging all over the place.

Yesterday Welshman Alastair Cook made 8, South African former England captain Kevin Pietersen made a magnificent 9, while South African Andrew Strauss made 45 for Blighty. They were followed by South African Jonathan Trott, who managed 38. Englishman Paul Collingwood scored an excellent 82, while Irish turncoat Eoin Morgan made the majority of 'England's' runs with a brilliant 130. The tail (South African Matt Prior, drink-driving Englishman Graeme Swann, Englishmen Stuart Broad, Anderson and Finn) made an astonishing 11 runs between them.

So game on for the Pakistanis then - all of whom are from Pakistan - you'd think. Except that Jimmy Anderson's bowled the first two very cheaply (Butt 1 - 1 more run than Anderson managed, Farhat 19) and the other 'England' bowlers are playing magnificently. Anything could happen now.

Over-by-over coverage here.

Correction/update: Pakistan's leading batsmen are playing like 'England's' tail: they're on 41-4 and in terrible trouble (though the last wicket was a terrible mistake by the umpire)

Howzat?

Distracting me from work today will be England v. Pakistan cricket, live here. There's an extra edge to it, thanks to Tory Scum David Cameron's decision to stand up in hated neighbouring India and shout 'Pakistanis are all terrorists ner ner ner' (I paraphrase, but that's roughly the gist of it).

Cricket conundrum: update

I asked about cricketers still playing after 20 years: we came up with Andy Flower, Shaun Udall, Mark Ramprakash, Cork and Croft. How about Darren Bicknell (who retired in 2006 but came back)? Any more?

A challenge for my readers

From a colleague: name 5 current first-class county cricketers whose careers began on or before 1990.

At a guess: Cork, Gough, Grant Flower (played for Zimbabwe in 1990), Ramprakash. Any other suggestions gratefully received.

Meanwhile, I'm filling in a reference for a student who wants to do a PGCE through our education school. How shameful that that particular department knows not how to deploy apostrophes. Must try harder. See me!

Well done 'England'!

Away from the soccer World Cup, 'England' played Australia at one-day cricket yesterday, and won.

I say 'England' because it's technically England and Wales, and because a large number of the players aren't actually English, Welsh or British. Taking a leaf out of the Irish soccer playbook of the 1980s-1990s, 'England's' team consists largely of Zimbabweans, South Africans and various others (Strauss, Pietersen, Kieswetter…). Amongst them is an Irishman, Eoin Morgan, who qualifies simply because he's played county cricket in England and wanted to join the élite (never mind that the Ireland team he abandoned is a rising star).

Morgan won the game for 'England' last night. There will not, I suspect, be street parties in Ireland in his honour.

Watching England v Slovenia this afternoon? 0-0 draw, I feel.

All Hail Sachin Tendulkar

Obviously I'll lose most of my readers when I utter the magic word: cricket!

Tendulkar is one of the greatest Indian cricketers of his generation. Today, he smashed 200 in a one-day international against South Africa. 200 in a 5-day Test match is rare: it's never happened in a one-day, and he did it with only 3 sixes (i.e. six runs awarded for hitting it over the boundary in the air). This is the man who was booed a while ago for slow scoring. And he's almost 37 years old. 200 not out in 147 balls - a masterclass.

Marvel at the arrogance!

Kevin Pietersen is an England cricketer, formerly captain of the team and well-known for his lack of self-deprecation, shall we say. He's almost as good as he thinks he is.

He was born in South Africa and switched allegiance because he didn't like that country's attempt to turn cricket from a whites-only sport to a mixed one by reserving places for black team members.

There's an argument to be had there, sure. However, if you were a white South African with some previous racial disagreement, would you pose for a doctored photograph reclining in Barack Obama's Oval Office chair? To advertise Brylcreem?

Mmm… racially sensitive.

I'm such a scenester

Because I've just bought The xx's album xx. To balance it, I'm keeping an eye on England v. Ireland in the One Day International. A not very good 203 for England, but Ireland's innings is delayed by rain.

Catch it!

No, not swine flu. The last day of the cricket's on and I'm not there - my sister just texted me to say there are seats but here I am at work and it looks like rain may be on the way. (If you don't know the area, Wolverhampton is twenty minutes away from Birmingham on the train and Edgbaston's a suburb of Brum). So I'm stuck with the OBO.

After three terrible, rain-ruined days, it's a real battle. I thought the Aussies would pull back into contention after chucking their first innings away for 203, but they're now on 171-4: better than before but still not much of a challenge for England. I wonder what's happened to the Australians. They used to be a) winners, b) hugely competitive and c) charming/amusing with it. Now they're none of these things and the world's slightly poorer for it.

(Oh yes, a note for our American readers).

Cricket's like baseball, only better. A match can last 5 days and still end in a draw. Breaks are taken for drinks, lunch and tea. The US and Canada had a regular test match well into the twentieth-century and I gather the tradition has been revived. The only cricket match in American literature is in Little Women, which makes sense as the game hung on in Pennsylvania longer than elsewhere - baseball took over during the Civil War because it was easier to carry all that stuff around. American cricket now centres on Indian computing experts in California and Caribbean immigrants in NY, rather than sad old English expats trying to show off…

Thick Edg(baston)

Bye everybody. After a cricketless day in the office, I'm off to sit in the sunshine with a book and TMS (Test Match Special) chuntering on in the background. It's no OBO, but there's something blissful about the sounds of cricket interspersed with nice-but-dim commentators, especially when they enthuse over the cakes sent in by fans, if that hasn't been stopped by the fear of poisoning.

This is da bomb!

Good morning (or evening or afternoon for my far-flung readers). How are you all today? Here the sun's breaking through the clouds, a Test match is being played 19 miles away (weather permitting), and I've received a pile of CDs in the post (I have a new card, but no PIN, so can only shop online for now).

What has Postman Pat brought me today? John Adams' Doctor Atomic Symphony and three CDs of Vaughan Williams: 'Sancta Civitas' and 'Dona nobis pacem' (VW was a cheerful agnostic or atheist and liberal to left - 'Sancta Civitas' is an interesting exploration of the fate of the soul while 'Dona Nobis Pacem' is a warning against war), Folksong Arrangements and Choral Folksong Arrangements (which also has some Holst). Normally my tastes are a little more modernist, but I've a soft spot for VW, and he's on the classical wing of the peace and socialism movement - folk songs were (like the 1960s) a way to demonstrated solidarity and to reconnect with culture unadulterated by bourgeois atomisation - though not always successfully. The Adams is a symphonic version of his latest opera, which follows Robert Oppenheimer as he builds the first nuclear weapon - I can't afford the actual opera recording yet, but it'll come.

Meanwhile, Steve Reich, when's Double Sextet being released? It won prizes ages ago and it still isn't commercially available. Boo!

I may as well give up

Yes, David Mitchell not only shares my opinions, he writes about them much better. This week's column was on cricket, holidays and air travel - I don't disagree with a single word, though I'd be a little harsher in the selfish bastards who think that unrestricted air travel is their right. Being a fan of the 1930s, I've no compunction about consigning people into camps and I regularly fantasise about using grenade launchers on SUVs.

Neal (posting there as Manuelelo for some reason) makes the reasonable point that it's the frequent long weekenders who cause the damage rather than a worn-out family taking the kids away once a year (a point Cynical Ben has made too), though he also thinks that encountering new cultures makes us empathise more. Really? Neal: I give you the British Empire, and any of the other empires you care to mention. I also reference the British in Spain - tucking into fish and chips, watching Sky, speaking English and STILL hating foreigners…

I may visit Germany in August: I shall be taking the train, and considering the journey as part of my holiday.

Clean bowled

Well, that just about wraps it up for me. I've handed in a slipshod essay and Australia have handed the innings to England with about the same due care and attention - currently 150-7.

The humping dog USB object is still bothering me. There's a factory in China staffed by virtual slaves existing on a bowl of rice per day, churning out millions of humping dog USB sticks for decadent westerners.

Almost forgot: don't forget David Mitchell on Desert Island Discs (BBC Radio 4) on Sunday morning. I have a feeling it's going to be a weird, overly-familiar ride.