There's selling out, and there's Selling Out

What do old politicians do? If you're Ted Heath, you sit on the back benches making rude comments about your successor's failings. John Major watched cricket and joined the boards of various disgusting corporations. Tony Blair is making millions of pounds lecturing dodgy business groups on the joys of rightwing economics, torture and saying your prayers.

Bah. Amateurs. If you're a faded pol - perhaps the deputy Prime Minister - with a recent history of being the left's Judas goat, allowing your master to institute the laissez-faire policy of an economy based on totally unrestrained personal, banking and national debt (while invading every country with sand), you want to announce your availability with a bit of a fanfare.

What you want to do is appear in an advert for dubious personal loans. That'll show them you're principled, uncorruptible, proletarian and proud of your decades of public service. Oh, and cheap.

Knee-jerk politics

Forget the pointless briefing and sniping which passes for political rivalry in the UK. We need Bolivian-style political retribution.

More specifically, the Bolivian President, Evo Morales, was playing a football match against a team of political rivals. When one lunged in with a late tackle and gashed his leg, Evo retaliated with a knee to the groin.

Morales, 50, a former Aymara llama herder and coca farmer, is not known for indulging critics, let alone people who foul him. He walked up to Cartagena, indicated his wound, then kneed him in the groin. The player collapsed, prompting audible whistles from spectators.The match swiftly deteriorated into a bad-tempered, foul-filled contest which arguably mirrored the Andean country's combative politics. By the end, the match drawn at 4-4, two players from each side had been sent off, including Cartagena and one of the president's bodyguards.

Makes me nostalgic for the Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott Knock-out (which I thought was well deserved). Evo would thrive in the Stoke City or Arsenal teams.

Go Prezza

You may know that I'm sceptical of Twitter, but there's an article in today's Guardian on former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's use of Twitter and blogging to harass the Tories, amongst other things.

This one's my favourite:

At White House. Last time here Cheney spoke to me via videolink from secret location. Asked if Osama was with him. He didn't laugh 10:31am 17 July from mobile web

Go Prescott

Again, a buffoon I never rated has come out fighting: here's an extract (and yes, I'm afraid today will be politics-heavy).

But whilst I knew we were short of money I didn't realise we also lacked the will to fight these elections. The people responsible for this non-campaign – and make no mistake there was no campaign - were Harriet Harman, Caroline Flint, Douglas Alexander and yes, our former Communities Secretary Hazel Blears.

I kept asking the party what was the strategy, what was our message, what was the campaign? I became so concerned I actually wrote to Harriet. Her reply was less than satisfactory. These apparently were the 'messages.'

For the many v for the few
Grow your way out v cut your way out
On your side v on your own
Substantial leadership v insubstantial salesmanship

And that was it.

It seems the people responsible for our campaign were resigned to defeat and were prepared to use the excuse that we had no money.

Pigs in pools

I'm loving this MPs sleaze story. Every news broadcast finds another red-faced cheat saying 'the system's totally rotten'. They all agree that it's totally rotten and has been for years. It's obviously a complete coincidence that they've realised it's open to corruption in the same week that a national newspaper paid some thief a lot of money for the details. Very brave.

I'm also enjoying it because the details reveal that the class structure is alive and well. All the New Labour class traitors are behaving like the 80s yuppies they so admire: John Prescott charged the taxpayer for some beams to make his house look more Fake Tudor. Others claimed for designer goods and posher houses. The dear old Tories, meanwhile, lived up to their image of Lords of the Manor by claiming for chandeliers and, my personal favourite, Douglas 'Viscount Hailsham' Hogg's MOAT maintenance. Isn't that wonderful? Presumably their are also claims for mantraps, armour-polishing, drawbridge oiling and jousting equipment. Michael 'Marquess of Lothian' Ancram, a millionaire many times over, charged the taxpayer for maintaining his swimming pool heater.

Other highlights:

Sir Michael Spicer - thousands for trimming his helipad.

James Arbuthnot - swimming pool cleaning paid for by us, despite the fact that he managed to pay for a £2 million house without even needing a mortgage.

David Davis: £5,700 on a 'portico' (essential to his work for the nation).

Essentially, the Tories appear to feel that their expenses are a kind of National Trust fund: they get a second, third or fourth stately home, and we get to pay for it.

(Paul Flynn, the honest, decent Welsh Labour MP, is similarly outraged).

You all know that I think Hazel Blears is the epitome of everything that went wrong with the left. It appears that Steve Bell agrees (click here for the original):

It's OK, the cavalry's here

Of all people, Alistair Campbell and John Prescott have decided they're the team to save the Labour Party! They're involved in a campaign called 'Go Fourth' (and multiply?) which refers to seeking a fourth term. Go fourth? Come fourth more likely… I've put John's Blog in the list on the left - and if you think he's writing it, you probably think property is a good investment.