Friday, 18 September 2009

Friday conundrum!

Not so much a conundrum, and perhaps a little morbid: write your own epitaph or obituary! For what would you like to be remembered? Boltzmann's grave features his Constant, which is pretty cool. Shakespeare's warns people not to chuck his bones into the charnel house next door. I saw a Welsh one which read (translated) as 'not to be opened without the permission of the inhabitant'.

Plashing Vole - turned his final page.
Too flippant? I'd like to be thought of as quiet, consistent, helpful and kind - not that I am, it's just that's what I'd like people to think. I care about books, people, education, the environment, politics and the public sphere - though I'm ashamed to say that I don't do much about them. I'd like to get my book written, and some papers, but fame doesn't concern me one little bit. Maybe it's a bit negative, but the first line of the Hippocratic Oath commends itself to me: 'First, do no harm'. We can be such destructive creatures, emotionally, physically, intellectually, that a conscious decision to refrain from harm is essential.

I'd also like to be remembered for my agility with a pun. Speaking of which, I'm thinking of opening a strip-joint featuring characters from literature. The star turn will be Jane Eyre in a G-String. Boom-tish.

Thankyewverymuch. Bookings for weddings and barmitzvahs have not been rolling in.


Ewarwoowar said...

What I want on my grave - "Move along, nothing to see here."

The Plashing Vole said...

Very good!

Benjamin Judge said...

You want a grave do you Voley? How very bourgois! Not very carbon neutral either. Ideally you can shred my remains and feed me into a hedgerow. The only epitaph that matters is your life. You're doing pretty well on that sphere so don't worry to much about marks on marble.

ps have you seen the series of blue movies starring women authors? There's "Watch Byatt Try It", "Alison Lurid", "Margaret At Wood"...

The less said about "Emily Dickinson" the better I suppose.

I've gone too far haven't I?

Zoot Horn said...

My epitaph?

"His name was writ on lager"

My favourite female authors?

Daphne DuMehere
Katherine Mansfeel
Virginia Milf

- now THAT'S going too far.

Benjamin Judge said...

To even things up a bit - so as not to get accused of sexism - I should point out that in my youth I too fell on Hard Times as it were, and made "Ben rammin fudge"

It is a sad fact that while some of us enter the canon, for the rest the canon enters us...

Now THAT is too far. Surely?

Can things get any more offensive? Where's Dan when you need him?

James Hannah said...

F Scott Fits Gerald? (don't ask what F stands for)
James EnJoys?
Sir Arthur 'Cone and Oil'
Jaw Jelly It
O Henry


Dan said...

A quick browse through the shelves of my library turns up some notable authors and poets......

Evelyn Phwoar

Kinky Amis

Harlot Bronte

X-rated Wodehouse (think about it)

Ted Huge

Carol Ann Muffy

Shameless Heaney (a.k.a Seamus Hiney)

Alfred Lord Ten-Inch-One

W.H. Whore-Den

Dil-In Thomas

John Up-Mike

Algernon Charles Carpet-Burn

And not forgetting popular former poet Laureate.....

John Batty-Man

(Is that too far?).

Dan said...

Fay Well-Done

John Dried-On

Gooey MacNeice

Slime-On Armitage

(Yes, I know - I'll stop now. Sorry and goodnight).

James Hannah said...

Just actually laughed out loud at how deliciously puerile all of this is.

'John Dried-On'?


The Plashing Vole said...

I disassociate myself entirely. You disgusting, imaginative people.

Benjamin Judge said...

Can I just add:

Miroslav Holub-on

William Burroughs (no pun needed there)

"Rude Yard" Kipling

Kneel Gayman

Elizabeth Smarts

Barry Bumsworth

Grunter Ass

John "Wind-em"

Milan Cun Darer

Joseph Canrod

David Piece

Ogden Gash

Barbara Trapaedo