Friday, 26 October 2012

Where's Paul Uppal?

Regular readers may dimly remember that I used to devote a sizeable amount of my time to regaling you with the latest, most desperate exploits of my almost heroically dim, cynical, lazy and arrogant MP, Mr Paul Uppal, a man so far up the bottom of David Cameron that you can see his eyes gleaming behind the Prime Minister's tonsils when he laughs.

So, you may be wondering, what's happened? Where is the trenchant commentary on Mr P's shameless self-promotion and hypocrisy?

Well, to tell you the truth, there's nothing to say. Our Paul - never the most active sloth on the branch - has decided that the best way to avoid a calamitous defeat in the election is simply to say and do nothing. It won't help, of course, but it might turn a Pompeii-style eruption of democratic fury into a Mount St. Helen's.

Let's have a quick look at his latest activity over at Don't bother with Twitter: he hasn't made an appearance for 119 days - presumably his last technologically-competent teenage aide has too much homework on to pretend to be Our Parliamentary Hero.

On October the 6th, he poked his head above the parapet, went over the top of the trench and faced down the masses as he bravely supported guide dogs. A big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for his political bravery in grasping this controversial nettle. It almost makes me forget that he voted to cut disability benefits even for children.

October 5th saw him taking another lonely, principled stand in favour of CAFOD feeding the hungry over the seas. No doubt African hunger is the fault (all together now) of 'the last Labour government'. Sadly Paul hasn't yet found time to comment on, or even donate to, the food banks now feeding the poor and hungry in his own constituency. Come on Paul, it might help you keep your seat: food for votes! Though local people queuing for cans of beans might not look too kindly on your claim that the Tories are bringing back the good times (at least, I assume you're arguing this… in your mirror).

28th September saw you drink coffee against cancer - another lonely struggle, and a few days before that, you publicly opposed dangerous dogs. Once more proving that you're a man of principle and not the kind of guy who turns up to the opening of an envelope providing there's nothing inside that might possibly upset your rich constituents.

What have you been doing since October 5th? Well, rumour has it that Cameron decided that rather than dislodge you from his intestines, he'd give you the job of carrying David Willetts' bags as PPS to the Universities Minister. Perhaps this is a good time to tell us what classification of degree you got? I've asked you before, and you declined to answer. Was it a 3rd, Paul? Or - surely not - an Ordinary or a Fail?

Strangely, your own website fails to mention your new job. One would have thought that a man as arrogant as you would be shouting it from the rooftops. But on second thoughts, perhaps not. Certainly if I'd voted to impose fees of £9000 on students (now revealed to be costing the government and taxpayers more than the £6000 scheme), and I had 20,000 students in my constituency (majority: 691), I'd be keeping my mouth very tightly shut indeed. Still, your secret's safe with me, eh?

So come on Paul, have you done anything in the last few months?

Well readers, you won't be disappointed: while Paul likes to pose for photos with cancer charities, he found the energy to sign a letter to the Health Secretary in July opposing plain packaging for cigarettes, the latest plan to make smoking less attractive. To summarise his argument, lots of jobs depend on people giving themselves fatal cancer - and not just MacMillan nurses' jobs either. Even more importantly, some major tax-avoiding global corporations need you to buy their fags. So come on, do your duty! Start smoking! Finally, Joe Camel's right to get your kids smoking is a matter of freedom of speech (this from the man who during the 2010 election campaign regularly deleted comments from his short-lived blog). What's the deaths of millions of people compared with Marlboro's right to coloured packaging?

Looking forward to his election slogan: 'Tough On Cancer; Relaxed About The Causes Of Cancer'.

No comments: