Farewell to England?

Overseas visitors may not know about England's oldest and most popular sport, an activity which attracts thousands of rabid fans to its showcase events.

Yet, thanks to the ELFNSAFETY FASCISTS of the NANNY STATE, the ancient art of CHEESE-ROLLING has been BANNED.

OK, that's how the Daily Mail will no doubt present today's news (this is the paper that campaigned to REVOLT! ROBBED OF THEIR RIGHT TO BUY OUR TRADITIONAL LIGHT BULBS, as though Shakespeare, Hotspur and King Arthur were all fans of the carbon filament), but it's still a little bit sad.

Chasing a Double Gloucester cheese down a very steep hill has happened for 'a few hundred years', by which they probably mean that some people recently revived an old lark. It's a bit of fun, but the event's temporarily on hold because Cooper's Hill and its surrounding tiny country lanes can't handle the 15,000 people who come to watch. The organisers, police and local authorities all seem keen to find a way to keep the cheese rolling, local drunks can continue to break limbs in pursuit of milk solids, and we can all breathe easy.

I envisage a cheese-rolling league, hosted in a network of specially-built stadia, in which the 'hill' can - in winter months - double as a ski slope. That way, we can test the cheese-rolling skills of the regions. Though I suspect that Wales (too soft) and Cheshire (too crumbly) will fare badly.