Ooh, a new job!

I've just received a completely out of the blue job offer. They must have heard about how brilliant I am. Fantastic. This is how I replied to them.
From:

Reba Waiters (rnhallerce@hotmail.com)

Brilliant. You must work for Hotmail. I've always wanted to work in email. Odd that your name isn't in your e-mail address. Another Reba Waiters must have got there first, eh?

Dear name. 

Oh. You've got my e-mail address but overlooked the usual salutation. Oh well, perhaps it's a secretarial error. 

My name is Reba Waiters and I'm an HR manager with IDS Ltd. 

OK. It's not Hotmail, but it's a Ltd, with exciting initials. Perhaps they use Hotmail because they like to look after the pennies. You must not be the IDS Ltd recruitment agency near Doncaster. After all, that low-rent outfit uses Yahoo e-mail addresses. The cheapskates. Nor, presumably, are you the IDS Ltd of Dublin, which makes prostheses and orthoses. That would be cool though, wouldn't it?

I would like to take this time to welcome you to our hiring process and give you a brief synopsis of the position's benefits and requirements. 

You're very welcome Reba. I've always found that the jobs I haven't applied for are far better than the ones I have. And a 'position' is far more impressive than a 'job'. If you don't mind me saying though, a synopsis IS a brief statement. Tautology is a dangerous thing.

If you are taking a career break, are on a maternity leave, recently retired or simply looking for some part-time work , this position is for you. 

Oh dear. I think your underlings (and may I say how impressed I am that the director of HR is personally writing to me) have slipped up slightly. You've written to someone with a male name, at an institutional address: it's unlikely that I'm pregnant, retired or 'on a career break' (which I assume is a euphemism for unemployed'. But I'll stick with you. After all, I'm not averse to 'some part-time work', or 'moonlighting' as my employers might see it. And maybe you're hiring to rectify minor deficiencies in your current workforce

The successful candidates shall possess excellent organizational skills as well as the ability to efficiently multi-task. The ideal candidates shall have a strong focus on day-to-day operational performance, and a personal style that builds trust and induces loyalty. 

Exciting. Lots of multisyllabic words and a lovely split infinitive. I do like a good split infinitive. Captain Kirk did it so well. I must say, the idea of corporate loyalty towards me appeals very strongly. So many companies treat us a disposable proletarian scum. I should say that I am indeed in possession of excellent organisational skills and I can multi-task. Right now, I'm replying to you, listening to Pop Will Eat Itself and admiring my rippling pectoral muscles. A good morning's work, wouldn't you say? 

The candidate shall be self-motivated, proactive, able to learn and adapt quickly. 

I'm sure that from the ranks of the unemployed and retired, you'll find someone who fulfils these requirements. They've just been waiting for the right offer: your offer! This 'position' must be seriously good given all the skills and characteristics you're looking for. I'm thinking 8 figures, a helicopter allowance and a dedicated cocaine room. May I say at this point how pleased I am by your delightfully retro use of 'shall'? 'Will' is so common, don't you think? 

Occupation: 

Now we're getting down to it. And 'occupation' has a real ring of the Nobility of Labour about it, doesn't it?

Flexible schedule 2 to 8 hours / day. We can guarantee a minimum 20 hrs/week occupation

Oh, well you're not going to tell me what the work is yet. You're building up to it aren't you? You cheeky tease. 

Salary: Starting salary is GBP 1500 per month plus commission , paid on a four-weekly basis. 

Oh Reba. All that build up. All those requirements, and the salary is £18,000 per year. I could get a job which doesn't care whether I'm a multi-skilling Stakhanovite and earn more than that. Although this 'commission' sounds like a secure and stable route to riches. It's true that I currently earn considerably more than that now, but your position sounds so much more mysterious and exciting. Tell me honestly: will I have to sleep with exotic women in the line of duty? I think I should point out before we go any further that I'd have some minor moral qualms about that, but I'm sure once you'd explained it to me, I'd swallow my doubts. 

Business hours: 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM, MON-FRI, (your local timezone). 

Region: United Kingdom. 

So you're offering a distinctive new working schedule of 'all week', in the country in which I live. I have to say, that's a tempting offer. 

Please note that there are no startup fees or deposits to complete your paid training evaluation period. 

You're not one of these fly-by-night outfits are you? You couldn't be. They'd charge me for the 'training evaluation period', however long that is. 

We offer team members flexible schedule, including telecommuting and in-office assignments, and basic entry-level positions for recent graduates and those looking to start a new career with a stable company with foreign capital. Working for us provides employees with a challenging and fast-paced work environment that is sensitive to the needs of its workforce. 

I'm sold. If you're using the metaphor of membership of a sports team to evoke the cameraderie and mutual dependence prevalent in your company, then I want in. I assume of course that 'sensitive' means that you're fully unionised? I'm very relieved that you say the company is 'stable' and funded by foreign capital. I always say that a company with a Hotmail address must be a subsidiary of Microsoft. This foreign capital's hot stuff isn't it? I meant to say, there's no capital around here what with all the banks going bust. If you've managed to locate where all the capital's gone, your finance directors must be the horse's nostrils of investment banking. I salute you, Reba. 

If you are interested in getting more information and taking this position with us, the next step in our process is to fill out our application form and to make out an interview. 

To request an application form, schedule your interview and receive more information about this position please reply to this email with your personal identification number for this position IDNO:-2NVH0GQK1D. 

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. I look forward to reviewing your application paperwork. 

Sincerely, 

Reba Waiters 

HR department IDS Ltd. 

I'm in. I don't care that you've inadvertently forgotten to include the paragraph which explains exactly what my duties would be. You've dropped enough hints, and we can iron out the details at my interview. What do you say? Little Chef on the A303? 

Madam, I remain your devoted servant 
Plashing Vole.

PS. I hope you don't mind, but I've taken a liberty with your e-mail. Even though your letter was clearly targeted at me for my obvious skills, I've shared your details with the Internet. After all, nobody should be denied the benefits of working for such an illustrious organisation. They'll all be in touch soon. Will there be some kind of bonus for helping with your recruitment?


Update: I've just received the same e-mail, this time from Freida Bechtold, dyurantrbella@hotmail.com. These fraudsters really are lazy…


Like some of you, I've notified Amazon. Keep an eye on your accounts.


Update 2: reply from Amazon:

Thank you for contacting at Amazon.co.uk and bringing this to our attention. 

The e-mail you received wasn't from Amazon.co.uk, and we're investigating the situation. 

I didn't suggest it was 'from' Amazon - but did ask them to consider whether their databases had been hacked. It seems increasingly likely.