Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Desert Island Ducks
Dorothy and Gordon have told me horrific tales of greed and sexual violence in the duck world. Here's the only picture they sent which is suitable for a family blog… Wonder if they've got a Tory-quality duck island? Props to Neal, by the way, who predicted in the comments section that Sir Peter's ducks wouldn't like it.
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Once, when I was solvent, I was on a river holiday with some friends and we picked tons of wild blackberries which grew along the riverbank (plashing voleily as we gambolled). We got heartily sick of eating them after a few hours and decided to feed them to the ducks paddling alongside the boat. As we did, the water beneath each individually fed duck went black and cloudy almost immediately. We worked out that this was due to the ducks' astoundingly fast gastric processes, which I presume help to keep down body weight for flight and such, but it also accounts for their astonishing greed, and their tendency to hiss lizardily and peck at you the moment the blackberries ran out. Water off a duck's back? More like blackberries out of a duck's arse. Violent greedy beasts. Exterminate the brutes (preferably in a slow oven with orange).
Zoot, life would be unbearably dull without you. You don't sound like a vegetarian in this post…
I'm only a vegetarian when it comes to factory farming. If something's had a good free and full life, with plenty of wild blackberrying and the like, then meeting its quietus in my kitchen is perfectly fine. I do tend to avoid red meat however, due to impending cholesterol death-fear, but my favourite is fish - not one of your foods of choice I know: myself? I revel in the wonders of the fish counter, the deep-sea treasures lying there in their mysterious scaly and clawed otherness amaze me and drive me to the frying pan. My favourite food at the moment is avocado pear - not strictly an animal I know, but I would have a tame pair and breed them if I could.
oh yes - and avocados are full of cholesterol. But I think it's the good kind of cholsterol that just paralyses you but leaves your taste buds intact, so no worries there.
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