Well done Ireland, now sod off

2007: Ireland's cricket team beat Pakistan at the World Cup
2011: Ireland's cricket team beat England at the World Cup
2011: International Cricket Council ban 'associate' nations from the World Cup.
2015: Ireland's cricket team watch World Cup on TV like everyone else.

Desperately unfair. This year's World Cup was unnecessarily dragged out over too many weeks, so they're reducing the competitions by 4 teams, rather than playing the matches in a shorter period.

Only useless Zimbabwe get to go, out of the non-Test status nations. The World Cup is one-day cricket: Ireland are 10th in the world at this form of the game, whereas Zimbabwe are 11th.

What a disgusting application of the closed-shop principle. Ireland's captain, William Porterfield, is rightly furious:

"It's not just about Ireland. This could mean the death of cricket in a lot of countries … and all because a few full members are looking to make a few extra quid from the competitions. How they can turn around, shut out half the world and still call themselves a world governing body is an absolute joke.

"It is every full member's duty to look after world cricket. Now the whole integrity of the World Cup has been brought into question because this is not a World Cup, it's a glorified Champions Trophy."

William Shakespeare, Botham, Quentin Crisp, Adam Ant, the Queen, David Cameron: your boys have taken a hell of a beating…

England have just lost a World Cup cricket match to Ireland! This just shouldn't happen, given the massive gulf between the teams, but it did - with several balls and wickets to spare.

Apart from the result, Kevin O'Brien set a record for the fastest World Cup century ever: 100 runs in 50 balls, and finished on 113 from 63 balls.

This is how the Guardian's commentators put it:

 I'm not sure even those words can do this justice. Ireland were completely out of it at the halfway stage, but then Alex Cusack and particularly Kevin O'Brien decided to give it a lash, with astonishing consequences. O'Brien demolished the record for the fastest World Cup hundred, smashing his off only 50 balls; and then, at the finish, Ireland were ice cool. They played with stunning maturity when the pressure was on. Ireland have also set a new record for the highest World Cup chase. More importantly, they've beaten England. At cricket. England had a shocker, but this is not about them. It's about one of the most charming and joyous wins we'll ever see and a match we will never forget, at least not until we're in the special home and the faculties have gone. 

This is definitely one of the most amazing results in any sport - what a shame that the cricket authorities are planning to block the Associate nations (Ireland, the Netherlands, Kenya, Canada and so on) from the World Cup.

Football: not coming home

The 2018 World Cup has been awarded to Russia, and 2022 to Qatar. Enjoy those 40C + temperatures and the ban on alcohol outside a few licenced hotels in '22. Oh, and homosexuals: sorry. The Russians don't like you and the Qataris have a legal ban on homosexuality. You'll have to get your kicks (sorry) elsewhere. Straights are in trouble too: kissing in public is illegal. I'm quite looking forward to footballers being arrested for overly-demonstrative goal-celebrations.

Good. The Panorama programme a few days ago proved fairly conclusively what we already knew: that FIFA (like many international sport governing bodies) is riddled with corruption, and that any country wishing to host an event has to agree to exploitation and fraud: FIFA's demands included exemption from minimum-wage, taxation and money-laundering laws.

If you've read even a small part of the Wikileaks reports on Russia, you'll recognise that a country with no distinction between the mafia and the ruling class and government is the ideal location for a corrupt, arrogant and exclusive event. All those ticket scams, construction rackets, prostitution rings, and on and on ad infinitum. They're suited to each other.

And on top of all that, David Cameron looks extremely stupid, flying to Switzerland to apologise for the BBC's journalism, flying back for PMQs, then out to Switzerland for more lobbying and schmoozing.

FIFA of course have done nothing about the corruption evidence. Their ethics committee says that no official has been convicted of bribery, neatly overlooking the fact that bribery wasn't a criminal offence in Switzerland (predictably) at the time. Who's the head of the ethics committee? Why, it's that former Tory Scum MP Sebastian Coe!

Perhaps significantly, Russia is 140th and Qatar 120th on the Index of Press Freedom. I wonder if Panorama did sway the voting to some extent! No pesky investigations in these countries!

Blogfriends

Firstly, a massive happy birthday to Cynical Ben. He's a git, but he's my git. It's also Zoot Horn's birthday - the coolest man in the Black Country.

Secondly, huge thanks to Ewar and Dan. They ran a sweepstake on the World Cup, and I won - despite not supporting Spain. They just called in with my prize, and I must say that they've done themselves proud. Everything a gentleman-about-town might want is in the box - a shoe box decorated with Panini World Cup stickers -  (or, everything Ewar and Dan didn't want). Plus an England flag.

(They apparently have a great new 'project' in the pipeline, so look out for it).

So:
The Loon, by Tapes n Tapes
The Dead 60s by The Dead 60s
The Killers' Sam's Town
About What You Know by Little Man Tate
The Best of the Secret Policeman's Ball Part 2 (from The Guardian)
A Stereophonics sampler from The Sun, packaged in a West Midlands Police recruitment box.
A Daily Mail cover-mounted DVD of Relative Values, a notoriously bad film.
DVDs of John Motson's Greatest Ever Matches of Football and Mark and Lard's Football Nightmares
Graham Betts' Greatest Moments of Football book ('22 of the Classic Moments of FOOTBALL')
A. M. Homes's This Book Will Save Your Life
Edith Wharton's The House of Mirth
H. G. Wells's The War of the Worlds
Naked Camera 3 DVD
Paddy McGuinness Live DVD ('Free Ringtone worth £3 - SEE INSIDE FOR DETAILS')
Gary Lineker's Favourite Football Stories (perhaps my favourite)
and a packet of table tennis balls. Of course.

Ben is going to be sooooo jealous. I'm a fortunate man.

Fat Man Strikes Out

(The baseball reference is for Ewar).
As my aching joints and large bruises will attest, I turned up at the Much Wenlock Olympian Games this weekend and duly turned in my worst performance at this event ever - 12th in the main competition and 3rd in the Plate. My lovely shiny trophy is now in other, more deserving hands.

My resounding defeats were due to three reasons: I haven't fenced since this competition last year; I'm not much good anyway and, of course, every fencer's favourite refrain - dodgy refereeing. I can say that, because I'm a dodgy referee too. Nonetheless, in two crucial fights my referee annulled hits 'because the electronic timing's wrong', which was news to me, and nobody's ever done that before.

Oh well. I enjoyed my day, as always. I like the temporary cameraderie between competitors who only ever see each other in smelly sports halls. I enjoy refereeing, setting up, helping out, and there are always good people around. I particularly need to thank Simon Axon, who fixed my wrecked and rusty weapons and forgot to deliberately mangle my name. Apparently I was glimpsed on TV too - the BBC filmed a fight I refereed as part of the Olympics build-up. Wenlock the Olympic mascot was also around, though I didn't get a chance to see it.

I also managed to snap my newest and best foil. Admittedly, it happened in the course of satisfyingly plunging the point into my opponent's chest at high speed, but £70 is a lot of money for one point…

In other sports news, I gather that Spain repaid the Dutch for their disloyalty.

Vuvuzealots

This is rather wonderful. Of course, the Germans will need to practice a little more, whereas English fans' hotels will be littered with abandoned vuvuzelas by now…

These gentlemen from the Berlin Konzerthaus Orchestra are playing Brahms and Ravel.

Peace reigns once more

I watched England in the World Cup for the first time this competition. Obviously many better qualified people than I am will explain how exactly these players managed to lose 4-1 to Germany, but I was surprised. During the Premiership season, we're constantly being told that they're world-class, and sometimes they demonstrate it - but on yesterday's evidence, they're nowhere near Germany, Brazil, Argentina (poor Mexico), The Netherlands and several other teams.

Update: if you want a depressing explanation of why good people are turned off English football, read this excellent and worrying piece by Benjamin.

Here's an explanation for England's 'phantom' goal, sent to me by a German friend who isn't gloating. No sir. Not one bit. No way.

Relive the glory

By watching England v USA in glorious technicolour Lego!
From these guys (I'm guessing), who are gradually recreating every match meticulously.

Intellectuals…

I'm not in the pub watching the football, though I'd quite like a Slovenia win because I like small unpretentious countries.

I'm in the office with my departing colleague. She, with breathtaking demonstration of her highbrow cultural status, has just announced that 'Daniel Defoe' has scored.

Update: so England beat 2 million population Slovenia 1-0. Well done. The US go through too. And I've watched the latest Dr Who open-mouthed in admiration. Top quality drama.

World Cup satire latest

You've probably seen this already, but it amused me when Neal sent it:

The England team visited a township orphanage today. 

"It's lovely to put a smile on the faces of people under huge pressure with little hope", said Joseph Mbolo, aged 6.

I'm enjoying this World Cup hugely. The perfidious French are experiencing cosmic justice, the big teams are all choking and New Zealand, whom I decided to follow ages ago, are doing really well.

Who'll win? Brazil, Germany or The Netherlands. Sorry.

Shearer = genius

I'm waiting for my lift, and I'm slightly bored.

Neal and I watched France-Mexico last night, and were too lazy to change channel to avoid Alan Shearer's Tour Of The Townships.

It's always entertaining watching slightly dim multimillionaires cope with the lives of others. Watching his face while a young musician explained how her brother's murder inspired her was fun ('Er, that must have been bad'), but the best exchange was this (unfortunately I can't find it on the iPlayer and can't quote it exactly):

Alan, to shack-dwelling black South African: 'You lived under segregation. How did you feel about that?'
Bloke: '??????!!!!!. Er, it was bad'.

Charitably, you could see it as sweet, watching Shearer grope his way to taking a view on apartheid, but it was toe curling. What was they guy meant to say?

'Well Alan, it was a lot of fun. I'd chuck stones at the Boers, they'd kill my family, then we'd all go for a beer and watch the action replay'.
'Well Alan, it felt like being a Sunderland fan at St. James's Park'.
'Well Alan, it reminded me that life is black and white, which you'd know all about, eh?'

(Shearer played for Newcastle United, who play in black and white stripes. They don't get on with neighbours Sunderland, non-soccer readers). Shearer was a very good player. He's an awful commentator though.

Farewell, comrades

For the weekend, anyway. I'm off to sunny Hatfield in a few minutes, to referee the English Youth Fencing Championships. A whole weekend of being cursed and shouted at by fencers, coaches and parents - and it's voluntary!

Still, it gets me out of The Dark Place, and I can rely on the other referees and the armourers to keep up the banter and mockery.

Have a good weekend. Hope England's loss to Algeria doesn't upset you too much. I very much enjoyed la France perfide getting exactly what she deserved from men in green last night.

Goooooaaaaaalllllllll

The big question is about Maicon's goal against the mighty Grass-Eaters: shot or cross-gone-wrong?

They think it's oil over…

So, did you all enjoy the big match between the United States and BP England? I thought there was some slick passing, though many of the tackles were pretty crude, and the defence leaked badly. 


Still, congratulations are due to England for achieving a creditable draw against a country where football ranks somewhere below competitive spitballing in the popularity stakes. Onwards and upwards, eh?


Actually, I didn't watch the match, other than ten minutes on a badly tuned TV in a takeaway. The streets were deserted - like the opening scenes of 28 Days Later. Instead, I watched Sense and Sensibility, the version with every Classically-Trained British Actor of the last 30 years. It was excellent, though obviously a novel of two halves, and poor Miss Dashwood (Emma Thompson) was left sick as a parrot until the lads Ferrers and Brandon turned it around in the dying minutes of extra time. 

World Cup Nonsense

I'm so sick of every TV show, advert and person I talk to shoehorning in an unconvincing World Cup reference that I'm seriously toying with ignoring the whole shebang due to overload.

Peter Crouch's Pringles ad is utterly shameful (part of your balanced diet, Peter?), and a local estate agent is festooned with England flags advertising 'The Big Housing Event Kick Off': that's right, I love football, so I think I'll buy a house.

So I'm going to start collecting particularly egregious examples of these shameless cash-ins. First up, the rozzers and their anti-drink driving campaign. Can't argue with the purpose but still…