Friday, 15 June 2012

Thine appraisal is now due.

University of CAMBRIDGE
Self Appraisal - Strictly Confidential on Pain of Drawing and Quartering 

                                       Appraisee: NEWTON, ISAAC
                                       Appraiser: PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS

                                              School/Dept: ALCHEMY, THEOLOGY AND APPLIED     NATURAL PHILOSOPHY
                                       Interview Date: 18th June 1687

Guidance Notes for Completion of the Self Appraisal

The purpose of this document is for you to highlight the issues you wish to discuss in your appraisal. It need only be very brief - bullet points and brief comments will be sufficient. The detail will be discussed in your appraisal interview. Your Self-Appraisal must contain the following:

This yeare, I once againe completed manny Ingenious and Bold Experimentations. My Alchemical Researches are proceeding with Alacrity and with the Aide of an Grant from ye ESPRC, the Great Work will reach fruition before ye Year of Our Lorde 1688, in time for ye Grand Inquisition of Out-Putte.

It is True that I have notte published an Booke since mine Letters on Opticks (1676), yet God Willing, Principia Mathematica (Jussu Societatis Regiae ac Typis Josephi Streater. Prostat apud plures Bibliopolas, London) and ‘Certaine Calculations of ye Size and Disposition of Solomon’s Temple, With Additional Remarks on ye Harmonisation of Godly and Herettical Calenders’ may be at the Press of within an Yeare.

I do Confess and Shrive my self for my most Lamentable Failure to attend an single colloquy of ye College Quality Committee, ye People Stratagems Workstream III Committee, and ye Dominie-Pupil Open Forum.

Mine working Conditions deteriorate annually. No fewer than IV amanuenses did Expire of ye Dropsy since mine last Appraisal, and ye absence of Computational Contrivances lead to mine Failure to provide ye compulsory Blended Learning Entitlement. Additionally, I required Solitude and Galenic Attention for ye start of ye Academic Semester following a Grevious yet Interesting Injury accorded to my Person by an Apple Descending From ye Heavens unto mine Cranium. Ye Occupational Health Chamberlain hath Forbidden me from under-taking any more Work in ye Field for fright at further Injury.

I do Regret ye failure to demonstrate Impact of mine Experimentations in ye academic yeare. Should mine Labours on Gravity, Opticks and Fluxions fail to attract ye Approbation of ye Peasantry, I will accept ye Voluntary Redundancy to make room for an Younger and Sexier Experimenter to whom ye Tattle-Sheets, Mummer-Shows and Chap-Books shall devote Time and Space. Such as ye Fop Cox and that damn'd Simpering Worsley. 

Please give your Self Appraisal to your appraiser at least two weeks in advance of your appraisal interview.

                                       Signature: Isaac Newton, his hand

                                       Given this Day, 15th June 1687 anno domino

Appraiser's Comments: 
While Mr Newton's efforts in the fields of Alchemy and Biblical Geometry are rated 4* and are to be commended, once again we cannot recommend awarding Tenure nor promotion, due to his unseemly, Heretical and fruitless obsession with 'Gravitation'. He appears to believe that one or two books over the course of his career will be sufficient to secure his reputation. This arrogant and self-centred attitude betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of the current funding arrangements, in which regular publication in reputable journals is far more important than so-called 'breakthroughs'. Mr. Newton's insistence that his output is comprehensible only by Mr Leibniz is unacceptable, as we have ascertained that 'Choco' spends most of his time inventing something called a 'biscuit'. 

His apple-related injury has led to many acrimonious disputes, supported by his Union caseworker, resulting in a period in the Dungeon for the pair of them. Mr. Newton is not a team player, as his repeated refusal to attend committees demonstrates. His attitude towards impact and the public diffusion of his work is Lamentable: he insists on publishing in Latin, despite the long-overdue abolition of our Department of Barbarian Tongues. His pursuit of abstract and in-applicable Experimentations, and neglect of Applied Natural Philosophy which will aid Men of Business (such as his Alchemical researches) demonstrates a Fundamental refusal to accord with ye Spirit of ye Age. Should Mr. Newton's attitude not improve by the next Semester, we recommend Racking and a Course of Leeches. 

1 comment:

Adam said...