My name is Svetlana and I love to please men

Yes, just like Amina, The Gay Girl In Damascus, I'm not a portly academic, but a glamorous Russian prostitute faking an account of life in a provincial university…

Not really. Svetlana is actually a young lady who had the courage to reach out to me via a personal email (which as usual slipped through the university's junk filters) in the hope of capturing my heart.

Svetlana, whose email address in case you'd like to make contact is meleyla8@gmail.com, has quite an old fashioned approach to romance:

Master

Actually, I'm Dr.
And an exotic location

If you decide to visit the charming city of Dubai

Hmm… I've never really thought that fake cities ripped out of the desert, founded on oil and exploitation, and run as dictatorships, are 'charming'. I saw an advert for real estate in the UAE once. An Arab chap promised '100% foreign ownership', which I interpreted as 'Racists: come to Dubai: you never have to meet anyone like me'. It worked too: Jim Davidson moved there.

please don't forget to look after a lovely and humble escort

A friend of mine had a lovely and humble escort. It had fungus growing around the door seals. Not sure I want my lover to be humble though. All this smacks of 19th-century Perfumed Garden Orientalism.

that can turn  your life into a marvellous Arabian tale

See? And she doesn't mean the Qu'ran. Not that there were many Svetlanas in The Thousand and One Nights. But at least she's identifying her market: racist Westerners. If that's the case, I'm on the wrong list. The only foreigners about whom I fantasise are the Faroese: it's the faint aroma of fish (how's that for alliteration?). Actually, I might have fallen for Svetlana if it wasn't for that 'that'. I spend my life crossing it out and writing 'who' in big red letters on students' work. 'Who' for people. 'That' for things.

Our sparkish women are obedient angels that can make any of your erotic dreams come true. 

'That' again. OK, she's inviting me to use them as objects, so I suppose there's a certain internal logic to her syntax, but I still don't like it. Sparkish and obedient? Seems rather contradictory. Unless she's picked up some British slang and means that all these prostitutes are actually qualified electricians. I'm also rather taken aback by Svetlana's confidence. 'Any' erotic dreams? Really? I think they'd have severe problems getting hold of enough puffin meat, whale oil and Faroese flags in Dubai for my purposes.

I feel like I’ve interested you… 

Good guess. Sadly, Svetlana, only enough for me to bother writing a sarcastic blog entry about though. Going to Dubai would depress me enough, without the tedium of an unenthusiastic sexual encounter between a fat reader and a jaded sex-worker conjured up via the exchange of money.

Take advantage of our escort services. 

If you wish to become a client of ours, send us an e-mail at meleyla8@gmail.com 

We’re waiting for you!

Frankly, Svetlana, I wouldn't buy a yacht in the expectation of my generosity. Dubai's a long way from the Hegemon, and sex for money just doesn't float my boat. But thanks for the offer!