Maybe I'm feeling a bit grumpy because I'm ill and temporarily deaf (Demented, if this is a tiny portion of what you're stuck with, my respect for you has risen even higher), but some things have really ground my gears recently.
Chief amongst them are Ant'n'Dec. Now, if you're not a UK-based reader, you may be asking yourself who or what AntnDec are.
They are Death. By this, I'm making an analogy with Western films, rather than the very dignified Death of Pratchett's Discworld, or the good sport of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. In Westerns, just before the final showdown, a little man with a tape measure runs up to the hero and the villains, measuring them up for coffin size. It's a moment of comic relief. The man is always a little cracked and fussy, and he momentarily relieves some of the tension associated with a violent, possibly unjust death.
AntnDec are similarly ubiquitous. They were poor child actors in a Geordie children's home drama called Byker Grove. Then they became poor quality pop stars as PJ and Duncan, on the basis of their cuteness and strong regional accents (a children's Robson and Jerome, perhaps). After that, it was off to the BBC to present The Ant and Dec Show, then to Channel 4 to do Ant and Dec Unzipped… Before long, they were presenting CD:UK and SM:TV, hugely popular ITV Saturday morning kids' shows. They've since spread like a rash, presenting Ant and Dec's Saturday Takeaway (during which, as executive producers, they shared responsibility for 'taking away' a large amount of money from viewers who rang into closed premium competition lines), Pop Idol, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Britain's Got Talent (it hasn't) and Ant and Dec's Gameshow Marathon.
They are, in essence, the face of a doomed and desperate TV channel. They have no skills, only accents. They pop up, grin inanely, utter something along the lines of 'why-ay' (a Newcastle greeting) and attempt to draw your consciousness away from the emptiness you are contemplating. They are that man, measuring you up for your coffin. It won't help.
There's a lot more. I was awake all last night, occupying my mind with this stuff, but it's all slipped away.
4 comments:
Hmmm not sure about this. While I agree that they feature on quite a lot of bad tv I think you under-estimate their work on SM:TV which was hugely popular with good reason. In fact I would argue that they were very talented presenters. They are no Jeremy Paxman, fine, but you need to compare like for like. Are they not better than Noel Edmonds, Terry Wogan, Chris Tarrant, Graham Norton, Anton DeBeck, Jim Davidson, Bruce Forsyth, Jimmy Tarbuck, etc...
Far from being the face of a doomed channel they are, for better or worse, the face of its successful side. If ITV dies, Ant & Dec will survive. The sad truth is that drama and news and quality documentaries are not profitable anymore. You cannot however blame them for a malaise in quality, they are a symptom not a disease. Your energies would be better spent championing the BBC and emphasising its importance than playing King Knut with the ITV schedules.
Love as always
Ben
I quite like them, tbf.
So that means you are wrong.
(Might end an essay like that one day)
I know that there are far worse people on the screen, but it's the inanity of AntnDec that gets to me. They aren't even distinctively weird, like Noel Edmonds. They're just so ubiquitous without having anything at all to differentiate them (from each other or from the rest of humanity), and they'll do absolutely anything, without appearing to have any existence off camera. We can all think of things the people you've mentioned have said or done: nothing AntorDec say sticks in the mind for a second, yet they're hugely popular. Defeats me.
Just admit you are wrong. Oh and by the way, Britain has got talent, so there. rsssssp.
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