Monday conundrum! What the hell is 'the British way of life'?

Ok, I'm still here. There's been a certain amount of traffic to my post on the government's plan to restrict freedom of speech to well-behaved citizens, and I'm still annoyed by the incredibly rightwing and intellectually vacuous nature of the idea. (The main discussion of this in relation to freedom of speech was in an astonishing interview on Radio 4)

However, Phil Woolas says that you can only have your say if you agree with 'the British way of life' (odd: you can say whatever you want as long as you agree), and you have to admit, there's a great argument to be had here. (What's he like? Try here).

So come on, what's your definition of 'British way of life'? Remember - you can't have anything specifically English, Scots or Welsh. Even the things that the Norn Irish unionists think are British aren't - e.g. wearing bowlers, hating Catholicism and fetishising the Queen.

'Britain' in its current state has only been around since 2000 or so - whenever the devolved Scots and Welsh assemblies opened. Before that, Ireland's withdrawal from the UK was 1922 or 1937 depending on your preference. Ireland was only technically 'in' since 1801, and Scotland was incorporated in 1601. 1563 saw the final conquering of Wales, and of course 'England' was merely a French Norman outpost for most of the 1066-1500 period. 'England' before that was a patchwork of Saxon and Celtic states. So really, it's a recent and unstable state, as Colley's Britons brilliantly demonstrates.

So what's 'British'? 100 years ago, you could have said that all the constituent nations got together to invade places, take their raw materials and hook them on opium (China, 19th century). Making things, inventing sports (playing them well was a colonial innovation). Speaking English was an English imposition on the rest of the UK, aided by eager sell-outs, but it didn't fully work. What else? Tea-drinking is quite popular in Ireland, India and China, though the former acquired the habit through the Empire.

There's a massive tradition of dissent and protest: the Peasants' Revolt, the Levellers, Diggers and so on during the Civil War, the Tolpuddle Martyrs, the Chartists, the NUM, Marx and Engels living here, and the Poll Tax rioters. Parliamentary democracy is a possible contender, though plenty of other states got there first (go Iceland) and perfected it quicker, by letting women and the poor vote, and of course lots of places don't have an unelected upper chamber and a first-past-the-post lower one.

Monarchy? A mixed blessing, and hardly original (or indeed native). Beautiful weather and landscape are strong contenders. Perhaps mass participation sports - cycling and rambling, though they were big in Germany too, until the Nazis banned them. The pound? OK, though retaining it hasn't been much use. Co-operative Societies were invented in Britain - a Welshman (Robert Owen) opened the first co-operative factory in Scotland (New Lanark) and the first co-operative society opened in Rochdale in 1839.

Strong trades unions were perhaps a British innovation, and they were closely tied to the very democratic forms of religion which sprouted in the 18th century - Methodism in particular (there's a saying - unfortunately true - that the Labour Party owes more to Methodism than to Marx). How about the famous British love of an eccentric, from Beckford to racist comic, philanderer and Mayor of London (Alexander) Boris Johnson?

Beckford:

'Boris' and his friends at university:

I guess there's literature, about which I shouldn't have to say much. I'd also be tempted to say that the vibrancy of pop culture is quite a British thing, though borders are porous in this regard. Political satire and a dark sense of humour are strong threads, though Serbs and Russians apparently share the same gloomy outlook. Nostalgia? Individualism? Consumerism? Benefit cheating? Jeremy Kyle? Eating sausages and chips on Spanish beaches? Loving animals more than their children (except for foxes)? The BBC, the Guardian, Steve Bell or the Daily Mail? White people in stately homes or mixed race couples on the streets of Wolverhampton?

Swearing. If there's one brilliant achievement of the British, it's swearing. Not so much the Welsh, as Welsh-language swearing is mostly religious oaths, but there's definitely a national love of inventive, baroque, witty swearing, such as Malcolm Tucker.

It's hard, isn't it? Cultures aren't monolithic: they influence and are influenced. Within any society there are competing and co-existing beliefs. That's what makes life a) fun and b) progressive - the dialectic ensures that ideas are debated. The goverment's plan is to preserve some bullshit idea of what constitutes Britishness (and you just know it's going to be a terrible bunch of self-righteous platitudes) and fix it in amber.

So what's the perfect Brit? A sunburned fat bloke in a union jack hat, slumped in front of Jeremy Kyle, calling Gordon Brown a See You Next Tuesday? If you don't like it, you can go back where you came from. And I'll come with you.

Or, is it an eccentrically-dressed union member of mixed race taking to the streets in righteous anger at the way the most vulnerable in society are treated, accompanied by a fantastic soundtrack - whether it be Late Junction on Radio 3 or Radio 1 (or The Archers)? I sure hope so. The point is that, like all societies, this one is plural, dynamic and mostly brilliant - trying to define it is like nailing jelly to the wall.