Neal and James - an apology

I need to add to my account of the Map Twats mini-break to Wales. In particular, my role in this fiasco.

I have a heavy cold. On the first night, I shared an airbed with Neal. Or at least, I did for a while. After a couple of hours in which he deliberately tried to wake me by bouncing the airbed most violently,  he fled with some cushions for the relative calm of the kitchen, hounded out by my snoring, which he ungallantly likened to a faulty chainsaw.

On the second night, I decided to make amends by volunteering to sleep on the floor. Alas, this noble sacrifice cut no ice when set against the alleged volume. Despite thinking that I didn't get any sleep at all, I apparently vexed my roommates mightily. My alarm call, in the end, was a large Gideon Bible hurled at my head by James: his hangover and my sinuses had finally combined to defeat his usual tolerance and good manners.

Unfortunately, I have form in this regard. I once took myself off to Basel/Basle (Switzerland) for a fencing competition. Accommodation was provided for everyone in a large comfortable room in the club's building. On the second morning, I gradually returned to consciousness, feeling every bruise and strain from the previous day's competition. As vision returned, I realised that the room was completely deserted and I panicked, assuming that I'd overslept and that the competition had restarted without me. Hurriedly, I threw on my cold, sweaty equipment and dashed up to the salle - where I discovered all forty opponents, sound asleep on a makeshift raft of mats and clothing.

The time was 6 a.m. I tip-toed out and returned a couple of hours later when signs of life could be observed. Between their English and my (limited) French and German, I pieced together the awful truth: 40 people, maddened by my snoring yet too polite to expel me, had evacuated the dormitory rather than wake me.

Shamefully, this was the only international competition in which I was successful. After every victory, my opponents ostentatiously yawned and explained with a wry smile that they'd have won had they been permitted a decent night's sleep, and I apologised, match after match, right through to the final…