Well that's all right then

Apparently, misreporting the number of student we have, leading to a clawback of £3.5m and a funding cut of £2m per year was all just a silly 'misunderstanding' which we'll all have a jolly good laugh about later, once lots of people have been sacked, according to the vice-chancellor in this report. It's all HEFCE's fault, for being 'arcane' old fuddy-duddys with their 'rules' and 'regulations' and 'definitions'.

"The university correctly recorded and reported the number of students enrolled and the modules they took," he said. "The problem was a misinterpretation of Hefce's arcane definition of 'completion' for funding purposes."

The 'misunderstanding' was that the government agency thinks people complete a year when they've done eight modules, whereas the university thinks that six out of eight is close enough! It also turns out that Performance-related pay is 'a contractual requirement' - even if the performance is damaging to the university. Thus is stunning: actually causing an £8m deficit and sacking 250 people gets you a bonus. Just like being a banker!

Ignorance Is Strength*

You may, if you peruse this electronic ranting regularly, be aware that my institution, having 'mislead' the government on the small matter of how many students completed modules, on which basis funding is provided, faces paying back several million pounds (or, to quote directly, 'misunderstanding of the arcane HEFCE definition' - obviously it's HEFCE's fault for using big words). To pay for this, 250 staff are being sacked, modules are being cut and class sizes increased. There's no sign, of course, of firings, performance-related-pay cuts or apologies from the management.

There is, however, a missive from the rotting head of the fish, an overview of the current state of play. The following words occur frequently:

'colleagues' - ho, ho, ho.

'successes'

'developments'

'excellent' x 2

'highest possible level of commendation'

'good practice'

'improvements'

'good standing'

'extremely good'

'four-star'

'world-leading'

'highest' x 3

'largest'

'leading'

'increase'

'very good'

'top'

'solid base'

'future development'

'outstanding'

'special mention'

'strong role'

'successful'

'improved'

'development'

'redesigning'

'clarifying'

'strengthen'

'appeal in the market place'

'capture student intent'

'cost savings'

'strategic investments'

'savings'

'efficiencies'

So there we have it. Very little to indicate that this is a university and not a double-glazing sales force. No sackings. Everything's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And if you don't think so, it's Room 101 for you.

In reality, this place is brilliant at some things. We specialise in mature students without qualifications, in people who've struggled at previous educational establishments, in local, working-class students. We also produce high quality research, despite a teaching workload 3 or, in my case 4, times that of other institutions. BUT: massive classes, less assessment, fewer staff and less contact time with teachers is guaranteed to a) reduce recruitment and b) fail the students who need a lot of guidance and support.

Never mind though - modules students don't like are being abolished, whether they're educationally necessary or not, and everything's coming up rosy. Yes it is. Oh yes. Definitely. Yessiree. Absolutely. No shadow of a doubt. Anyone claiming otherwise is a bitter, twisted naysayer. OK?

*From Orwell's 1984.

A long, long day.

What a tiring day it's been. Two induction sessions for students, who looked as shellshocked as I felt, and the biggest union meeting I've ever seen - basically everybody was there. Funny how the prospect of unemployment or doing somebody else's job on top of your own produces a sense of militancy and solidarity.

It was quite uplifting - we're not going to take this rubbish lying down. It really infuriates me that higher management have dumped us £8 million in the hole by misreporting our student numbers, yet not a single one of them has apologised, resigned or suggested any way to recoup this money in any other way than to sack teachers, reduce course choices and increase class sizes - all the things guaranteed to help students drop out… into a vicious circle.

Moving out is starting to become a reality too - Gerry and Mark have delivered a great pile of boxes to my house. Now I need to work out how I can get, afford and squeeze 70-80 metres of shelving into a one-bedroom flat.

So - home to pack, eat delicious home-made soup, read up on poetry and Shakespeare, then it's swimming and fencing tomorrow.

Cynical Ben, the friend who keeps on giving

Returning from another dispiriting union meeting (the university doesn't know how much it's being penalised by HEFCE for accidentally or deliberately misreporting student module completion modules so has guessed, and appears not to know how many people are employed here), I'm cheered by more parcels. The remastered edition of REM's Reckoning, Tim Wohlforth's memoir The Prophet's Children: Travels on the American Left, and two CDs which can only be part of Cynical Ben's attempt to widen my musical taste - Snoop Dogg's R & G (Rhythm and Gangsta): The Masterpiece and Justin Timberlake's Futuresex/Lovesounds. I shall of course give them a go in a spirit of enquiry. Does he think I'm lacking in contemporary black culture, or just need more funk.

Meanwhile, Emma has rumbled the cricket ploy.