Mendacious Mandelson

Little Peter's up to his old tricks again. He was on Radio 4 last night describing anyone who complains about the £500m cut in university funding as an 'enemy of progress'.

Now, one of my areas of speciality is Communist literature, and this phrase seemed very familiar. Enemies of Progress are to be shot. Anyone who doesn't want to be shot is and Enemy of Progress and will be shot… It reminds me of the language used by those forcing through Enclosures, Native American reservations, or the Highland Clearances. We're the peasantry, deported to make way for sheep because that's 'progress'.

It is Orwellian in its redefinition of Progress as Massive Funding Cuts. There's just no logical link. Throwing money at a problem isn't necessarily progressive, but there's no way you can describe course closures, student rejections, bigger classes and huge numbers of redundancy as progressive. Though no doubt management will describe it as 'efficiency', which in their tiny and non-contextual world counts as a good thing.

So remember, when you get the sack, you're going over the top in the name of Progress. Then you'll feel better. The clocks will strike thirteen and you'll be trouble by false memories no more. You'll love the Leader.

Ignorance Is Strength*

You may, if you peruse this electronic ranting regularly, be aware that my institution, having 'mislead' the government on the small matter of how many students completed modules, on which basis funding is provided, faces paying back several million pounds (or, to quote directly, 'misunderstanding of the arcane HEFCE definition' - obviously it's HEFCE's fault for using big words). To pay for this, 250 staff are being sacked, modules are being cut and class sizes increased. There's no sign, of course, of firings, performance-related-pay cuts or apologies from the management.

There is, however, a missive from the rotting head of the fish, an overview of the current state of play. The following words occur frequently:

'colleagues' - ho, ho, ho.

'successes'

'developments'

'excellent' x 2

'highest possible level of commendation'

'good practice'

'improvements'

'good standing'

'extremely good'

'four-star'

'world-leading'

'highest' x 3

'largest'

'leading'

'increase'

'very good'

'top'

'solid base'

'future development'

'outstanding'

'special mention'

'strong role'

'successful'

'improved'

'development'

'redesigning'

'clarifying'

'strengthen'

'appeal in the market place'

'capture student intent'

'cost savings'

'strategic investments'

'savings'

'efficiencies'

So there we have it. Very little to indicate that this is a university and not a double-glazing sales force. No sackings. Everything's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And if you don't think so, it's Room 101 for you.

In reality, this place is brilliant at some things. We specialise in mature students without qualifications, in people who've struggled at previous educational establishments, in local, working-class students. We also produce high quality research, despite a teaching workload 3 or, in my case 4, times that of other institutions. BUT: massive classes, less assessment, fewer staff and less contact time with teachers is guaranteed to a) reduce recruitment and b) fail the students who need a lot of guidance and support.

Never mind though - modules students don't like are being abolished, whether they're educationally necessary or not, and everything's coming up rosy. Yes it is. Oh yes. Definitely. Yessiree. Absolutely. No shadow of a doubt. Anyone claiming otherwise is a bitter, twisted naysayer. OK?

*From Orwell's 1984.