Hair we grow again

I like Ben Goldacre and his friends. They call out bullshitters. I thought that the upswell of pro-science, anti-woo feeling would get rid of the most egregious charlatans. 

Apparently not. Just past the Observer fashion spread encouraging men to buy tracksuit tops (£395), tracksuit trousers (£195) and trainers (£390) so that we can all look unemployed, was this gem which attracted my eye because as the years progress, your Vole is looking more like a hairless rat every day. 

So. The 'iGrow'. What an appalling name, by the way. As though sticking 'i' in front of anything attracts the cachet of an Apple product. But let's delve further, shall we. 

'Laser' energy. Call me an English Lit graduate, but LASER = 'Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'. It's a strong and focussed beam of light. I'm finding it very hard to believe that this product has a laser licence like my CD player. Given the use of lasers for hair removal, it's hard to accept that lasers will help hair regrow. And it seems that Laser Therapy is by and large bullshit. 

What about 'LED energy'. Well, LED = Light Emitting Diode. So the energy emitted is in fact 'light'. 

Perhaps it has been proven that strengthening hair follicles might lead to regrowth, but that looks like the only sustainable claim here. The rest is a cunninc mish-mash of conditionals: you can 'expect' (sounds promising) to see reduction in "the appearance of hair loss". Not hair loss, you understand. Just the appearance. 

Let's have a look at the website. There are bound to be academic references to the research there… aren't there?

Um… no. Apparently there are 'hundreds' of clinical trials of LLLT. It's just that they haven't the time to list or link to any of them. But a man in 1967 said that hair grows in the right light. Which explains why your chest hair isn't down to your ankles. Not enough light, you see. 

But what's this?

LLLT has been shown to stop the appearance of hair loss and help rejuvenate hair for anyone with genetic forms of hair loss, such as male/female pattern baldness. Those with significant hair loss due to disease or medical causes will not benefit from LLLT.

I see. So despite the hair loss being genetic, i.e. a fundamental part of your operating system, shining a laser and an LED lightbulb on to it will make it regrow. Whereas 'disease or medical causes' (whatever that means) won't. Mmmm… I smell bullshit. 

But we should always give these guys a fair chance. Let's see if there have been any clinical trials into LLLT and hair loss. Oooh: there was one! How did it go?

This study has been withdrawn prior to enrollment.

Oh dear. Northwestern decided to ponder whether women with breast cancer might regrow their hair after chemotherapy. They pulled the plug before testing it on anyone. Who knows why? Perhaps they gave everyone an iGrow and they all turned into Rapunzel. 

And the LED treatment? Well, four private dermatologists tested a HairMax Laser Comb on 110 men. Some of them had thicker hair. 

 significant improvements in overall hair regrowth were demonstrated in terms of patients' subjective assessment 

But wait. What's that magic word? 'Subjective'. So they thought their hair had grown back. Personally, I got up this morning and subjectively assessed my height at 6'3". Yet nobody's pointed out my trousers cuffs are flapping around my knees yet. 

Still, you can plug your iPod into the iGrow. And drown out the mockery. 

Charlatan of the Week

I've just had some very entertaining junk mail from George Rowley, who can be contacted at GeorgeRowley04@aol.com if you'd like to engage him in conversation.

Hi,

Bit matey for a complete stranger. But we'll let it pass.

My name is George and I would like to introduce you to my work at Mindsways. I have been working with people, businesses and organisations around how they can benefit from applying mind magic and psychological artistry to their delivery. My aim is to introduce something new and fresh into your existing mix of ideas. This is about you learning and doing something different. 

George, it's rather presumptuous of you to assume that I'm a) interested and b) unfamiliar with 'new and fresh' ideas. The use of 'magic' and 'psychological artistry' makes me think of those very sinister people who use Neurolinguistic Programming to control their staff or supposedly get into women's undergarments. What, by the way, is 'delivery'? Are you a midwife?

Albert Einstein once said "Out of the mysterious we discover the undiscovered". What do you think? How does this translate into your thinking and delivery? 

Did he really say that? I can't find any evidence of this at all. But if we're going to bandy purported Einstein quotes, I have one for you:

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

 But let's press on.

I am currently running and delivering a programme called "Sleight of Mind Set" (SMS). This programme is all about enabling you to learn, appreciate and apply mind magic and psychological artistry to what you do. 

But you don't know what I do. And quite frankly, when I need communications advice, I turn to Thomas of Chobham, who knew quite a lot about public speaking. Your approach seems unethical and rather sinister. Though Goebbels would like it. Moving on:

This programme is good for anyone looking for something different and to stimulate new styles of thinking. The feedback has definitely been that it has satisfied the thirst for new ideas whilst ticking all of the edutrainment boxes. 

Oh George. Edutrainment? For this, you deserve to swing from a lamp-post. You come across as a cross between the 'chilled-out entertainer' from The Office and a sweaty, sad shill. You should join our pedagogy department! Or the Scientologists. They both prefer pseudo-science and propaganda to hard work.

And he goes interminably on to the extent that even I'm bored. Begone, sir!

The positive side of the recession

Round the corner from me, was a shop which sold 'living angel consultations', amongst other disgusting lies. I sincerely hope that its' owner was a conscious charlatan, separating fools from their money. That's much better than really believing this stuff.

While I don't want proper workers to lose their jobs, recessions are useful in that they strip away decadent and frivolous nonsense: expect dog-grooming services to decline. First amongst the casualties has been the Living Angel shop - The Dark Place's average IQ rises slightly higher.

£45 is £10 higher than the average visiting lecturer - with a PhD - earns per hour.

Meanwhile, on my hard drive

I've mostly been listening to The Charlatans (Some Friendly and Up To Our Hips, both of which stand up better than I expected after 20 years), The Cure (Disintegration - still astonishing) and Smog's Dongs of Sevotion, which is brilliant. I particularly like 'Dress Sexy at My Funeral' (as an added bonus: John Peel's sainted voice at the start)



Next up though is a band most of you probably won't have come across. I can't even remember how I got to know The Bitter Springs - probably on a split 7" on a trendy record label. Whenever I play some, I wonder why I don't play (and buy) their music more often. They used to be Last Party and also perform as Subway Sect when Vic Godard's on tour.

The only two albums I have are Five Die Filming This Lazy Lark and Benny Hill's Wardrobe, titles which remind me of Half Man Half Biscuit, though The Bitter Springs are much more indie (in the old sense of miserable and self-pitying) than HMHB's folk-indie. Their website hasn't been updated since 2005 - but they're worth checking out if rumours that they're still alive are true.



One of my favourite Christmas songs:

Urge to kill - rising.

Morning humans. I've had a very relaxing and pleasant weekend, so obviously I'm raring to snark, though I was challenged to spend a week being relentlessly upbeat here on The Plashing Vole.

I reject that challenge.

As you know, I'm a big fan of LibraryThing, especially the Early Reviewers section - last month I was sent a free proof copy of Paul Auster's latest book, Invisible. However, some synopses tell you all you don't need to know. I certainly haven't requested this one:

The basics of The Five-Minute Miracle came to Tara Springett, a psychotherapist, in meditation one day.

Another wasted Friday

That's enough for today. I've been in the office for several hours and got very little done other than deal with e-mail from yesterday's day off. I've wasted a large amount of time contributing to the Guardian's Readers Recommend list (unemployment today - I didn't have many tracks) and despatched notes to various people (if you were expecting e-mail from me today, it's because I try to put substantial time aside for substantial responses).

I'm just feeling a little weary after yesterday's highs and lows. I skipped swimming this morning due to exhaustion, and I'm not in the mood to read the two inches of papers I've printed out for this PGCE essay on curriculum design. I'll do some tomorrow. I also need to find some way to prepare for Sunday's fencing competition. I haven't fenced regularly for a few months due to work, and haven't competed for a year or so - coaching slows you down. Still it's always fun to humiliate yourself in front of your coaches and old foes. I'm considerably lighter and fitter than a year ago though, so maybe that will make up for some of the rustiness.

So tonight - a few drinks in the usual haunts, with the tragic exception of the Little Civic, cruelly snatched from Wolverhampton's social scene. No longer will I be accosted by drunk strangers with the words 'you failed my essay' while I'm trying to organise my feet for the tricky break in The Only One I Know. Happy days…

What are you all doing this weekend? Staying in Wolves?