Here's an idea…

Lots of senior politicians, celebrities and so on have written articles for the Murdoch press and the other squalid rags infesting Britain. Usually, they're written by the paper's journalists (you knew this, didn't you?) or sometimes by the 'author's' advisors/PR handler/dog.

Like this one, 'by' David Cameron and Boris Johnson, but betraying not a scintilla of their vocabularies and style, and an awful lot of the Sun's trademark lies and stupidity.

So: now that the Murdoch press has been revealed to be a criminal enterprise (with other publications to follow), how about we ask them to donate their fees to a suitable charity? Perhaps Milly Dowler's parents could suggest one.

It just takes enough people to search for the articles, then for everyone to write to/email/Tweet/phone the 'authors' until they're ashamed of taking money from criminals. Although there is one fly in the ointment: 'shame' is quite an alien concept for many of these chaps and chapesses.

Song for Rebekah

Is there no end to parodic uses of the 'Friday' song? I hope not. Here's the phone-hacking version.



and of course the inevitable Downfall versions:

Watch out Glenn Beck, here I come

OK, I did an hour's round table discussion about the hacking/Murdoch affair on a local radio station, alongside a columnist from the Express and Star (much more measured than the bile that rag normally pumps out), my boss Paul (career radio broadcaster) and Dorothy, expert in popular TV.

I have to say that it was an exhilarating and humiliating experience. I got in most of the points I wanted to make (including some satisfying swipes at the Mail and a good deal of leftwing propaganda), and learned things from the others. I was also reminded that I have a voice like Donald Duck with adenoids.

I've done interviews before, including TV: this was far less stressful - it felt like a conversation with friends rather than being on the spot in front of thousands of people.

Having been in the Times Higher, Guardian and The Sword recently, I'm feeling like a complete media whore. More radio please!

So you want to be a tabloid journalist? A photo-story

I'm doing this in pictures so even News of the World writers will understand.

Here's the essential kit for every budding hack:

An orange wig. Whatever you do, looking like Rebekah Brooks may be all that keeps your from the dole queue.

Failing that, being mistaken for a Murdoch should see you right

A donation to the Policeman's Benevolent Fund. Much easier than chasing stories.

This is the other way to find things out

If anyone asks, these records never existed

With the aid of one of these, you may be able to find your conscience. Or even the Tabloid Code of Ethics.

But there are benefits to working at the News of the World. You'll eventually get your own company car. Like Mr. Goodman, Mr. Mulcaire and Mr. Coulson.

And here's Fry and Laurie's Murdoch version of It's a Wonderful Life.

In honour of the News of the World Phone Hackers, some Jim Hacker

I love the fact that this entirely accurate assessment of British newspapers and their control over the political class is delivered by the fictional Prime Minister, Mr. Jim Hacker. The News of the World is the Sunday edition of The Sun).



and if that doesn't float your boat, here's some Miss Kittin and The Hacker:

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

"Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

Alice in Wonderland 

Rebekah Brooks, David Cameron's friend and former editor of the News of the World during the time her reporters were hacking the mobile phone of a missing child (subsequently murdered), isn't very happy that people are doubting her integrity.

I hope that you all realise it is inconceivable that I knew or worse, sanctioned these appalling allegations.

Really? I'm going to accept for now that she never read any of the disgusting, intrusive stories her newspapers published.

I can - with some effort - believe that she never once thought that a juicy quote or incredible detail must have been acquired through some kind of skulduggery.

I can even - somehow - bring myself to assume that she never once cut corners in her long climb to the top, and that none of her colleagues ever once let slip that they had a few illicit means to acquire scoops, despite her telling Parliament that her paper had illegally paid police officers for information (a claim she later withdrew, claiming she wasn't thinking of anything specific').

But given the lies and distortions her newspapers have pumped out over the years, I don't think that she really believes that we'd find it 'inconceivable' that the presiding genius at the most vicious, bitter and arrogant newspapers in the world would have known about this kind of behaviour. Allegations that she knew may well be 'untrue', but they sure aren't 'inconceivable'. I've conceived it. So have millions of other people.

Lewis Carroll had other relevant things to say:

'What I tell you three times is true'.

The Hunting of the Snark 

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - that's all."

Through the Looking Glass 

I despair of Uppal, I really do

Sometimes I think he crawls up his ministers' bottoms just because it's warm and comfortable. Or perhaps he thinks there's some community of feeling between himself and Rupert Murdoch. They are, after all, both dishonest millionaires. I can't think of any other reason why he would need to say this in Parliament, on the subject of the BSkyB takeover. It's just meaningless words…

For the sake of clarity, will my right hon. Friend confirm that under the new, strengthened undertakings any future chairman of Sky News, and the current chairman, will be truly independent and impartial?

But in the interests of public service, I draw your attention to a previous occasion on which Rupert Murdoch promised full independence to the Times and Sunday Times when he bought them:

Frank Giles, editor Sunday Times 1981-83, commented that the board ‘had very little power or will to protect the independence of the papers they were appointed to safeguard.’ In his autobiography, Sundry Times, he describes how Murdoch ordered him in January 1982 to replace the paper’s magazine editor with an editor from the News of the World.

In March 1982 Murdoch called Fred Emery, a former Times assistant editor, into his office and said he was considering firing Times editor, Harold Evans. Emery reminded Murdoch of his guarantee that editors couldn’t be fired without the approval of the independent directors. Murdoch’s response was, ‘God, you don’t take all that seriously, do you. Why wouldn’t I give instructions to the Times when I give instructions to editors all around the world?’

Harold Evans, when editor of The Times asked Edward Pickering, ‘What protection can I expect from you as a national director against improper pressures?’ ‘You have to remember, said the fifth independent national director, ‘that I worked for Beaverbrook…that’s the way things are.’ (Harold Evans, Good Times, Bad Times, p404) Evans resigned after incessant pressure on 15 March 1982.

I notice that despite the story that News of the World reporters illegally hacked into the phone of a missing (murdered) child to listen to messages left by distraught parents and friends, then deleted them in the hope that new ones would be left, allowing the family and police to believe she might be alive, none of the tabloids are running the story. Why might this be? Because they all did it, and the last thing they want is a circular firing squad. This is why British tabloids are a cancer on a free society.

In case you've forgotten: while the NotW did this, they were also running 'exclusive' heartbreaking interviews with Milly's parents.

Who was the editor? Rebekah Wade Brooks: now chief executive of News International. Who was deputy editor? Andy Coulson: until last year the Prime Minister's right-hand man, despite the Tories' full knowledge that criminal acts were being committed under his control.

All the news that's fit to print

I'm really enjoying News International's attempt to buy off a few of the people whose phones they illegally hacked in pursuit of stories about vaguely well-known people sleeping with other vaguely familiar individuals and other matters of national import.

I particularly liked this bit of NI's statement.

 It is now apparent that our previous inquiries failed to uncover important evidence and we acknowledge our actions then were not sufficiently robust.

Hm. I wonder just how good their investigative journalists really are. Perhaps they should have put the 'Fake Sheik' in charge of the inquiry.

(You won't be reading about this story in News International papers: they've decided that it's a non-story, despite the parent company paying out millions already, with millions more coming, and a senior executive telling Parliament that they paid police officers for information, which is a serious criminal offence).

Move along, nothing to see here

A Fearless Fox News reporter puts the owner of his network on the rack with some detailed, relentless questioning. I refer you also to the Sun's coverage of the phone-hacking scandal. Rather limited, to say the least. Still, at least the News of the World journalists have been cleared - according to its sister paper, that is.

He's on the phone…

Steve Bell has something to say about the News of the World phone hacking scandal. None of it is exactly secret - Private Eye has tracked this stuff for years, and all newspapers get involved. There is, and Bell hits it on the head, a huge amount of collusion between politicians, the civil service, the police and the media - why else would the Prime Minister, David Cameron and pretty much everybody you read about be at the wedding of the Sun's editor? There is an establishment, and it's in the open. There's no conspiracy - they all have the common aim of remaining in charge.

(click for a larger version or see it here).