Uncle Eric's Big Society Pickle

Talk of the government's plan to reduce the nation's calorie intake by 5bn per day (while putting junk food manufacturers in charge of health policy) reminded me of Eric Pickles, the Sontaran on secondment to the Tory government, a man who could cut down those 5bn calories simply by skipping lunch.

Eric Pickles

Sontaran interloper

Which reminded me of my birthday present from Neil:  a fine jar of Eric's Big Society Pickle (with added orphan's tears). Delicious.

O Brave New World…

(… that has such people in't, as Prospero says).

The Prime Minister wants to privatise public services

"We will create a new presumption – backed up by new rights for public service users and a new system of independent adjudication – that public services should be open to a range of providers competing to offer a better service. 

Right. Because corporations are so competent, compete freely on quality and price, and always have the consumers' best interests at heart.

Do they ever operate cartels to fix prices? Oh yes.
Do private healthcare firms cheat their customers? Why yes, they do.
Is privatised rail travel cheaper and better? Well, no. And taxpayers are funding the 'privatised' companies more than we funded British Rail.
Surely something's worked better in the private sector? How about Directory Enquiries (the 118 numbers). Sorry: the prominent firms cost about £1.40 to dial and then take many more pounds off you if you let them 'complete' your call.

Well, look, surely the corporations, because they're driven by a need to make profits, are rational and clever?

I don't even need links for this one. Just a list.

Lloyds
Barclays
Natwest
Royal Bank of Scotland
Northern Rock
Britannia
HBOS
Bradford and Bingley
Goldman Sachs
Lehman Brothers
JP Morgan
Barings
(and for the historians)
Guinness / Distillers / Mirror Group and many, many more.

What about the privatised industries? Haven't they thrived, once freed from the dead hand of the state? To name but a few:

British Steel
Rover
British Coal
British Nuclear Fuels
ICI

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc.

I think we can say goodbye to Squire Cameron's 'Big Society' 'idea': the one that says we can sack all the professionals and get our public services provided by volunteers in their spare time.

Why? Because Lord Wei, professional bullshitter management consultant, the man meant to lead the whole thing, has had to reduce the hours he volunteers to work on the idea. Apparently, he's been working on it for free, three days a week. Now he's decided that it's incompatible with 'having a life' and making money by taking on company directorships, an option not open to most of us.

And he's a posh lord, not even a hardworking citizen struggling to make ends meet.

A fable for our times?

An extended metaphor which becomes a parable

As I walked to the swimming pool this morning, I noticed that the eight-way junction's traffic lights had failed, leading to traffic and pedestrian chaos.

I thought to myself, 'you know, Lionel [apologies for the obscure Radio 4 joke], this is a very real metaphor for Mr. Cameron's Big Society. The traffic lights represent the overweening power of the state, telling people what to do rather than empowering them to make decisions on their own. According to Mr. Cameron's claims, without the dead hand of the lights, the vehicles and pedestrians will move freely, giving way to each other in an efficient and caring manner, so that everybody reaches their destination'.

Obviously, this was complete bollocks. What really happened is that every driver immediately behaved in their own self-interest, diving into the junction as fast as possible, leading to anger, minor collisions and total gridlock even for those who thought they'd get ahead by acting selfishly. Pedestrians such as myself were left marooned on the island.

I did my bit - called the police, expecting them to send a couple of rozzers to direct traffic, then went for a swim. When I emerged, all that had happened was that the repair company had put 'out of order' signs up and left the drivers to sort it out for themselves - which of course they didn't.

The Big Society is a bunch of people who've inherited enough money not to need the state (23 millionaires out of 29 members of the Cabinet) telling the rest of us that we must do without it.

So there you have it. Government good, Big Society nonsense.