The dew has again fallen with a particularly sickening thud…

Morning everybody! How are you all?

This is me being empathetic and emotionally warm? Is it working? I ask only because I've got another session with the 'consultant' who's actually an occupational psychologist, and she asked me to do an online personality test. Despite my reservations about 'positive psychology' (oddly, a subject discussed on radio 4 this morning), I filled in the 240 questions as honestly as possible.

The report, however, has severely damaged my natural optimism. It gives you 24 ranked strengths, but looking closely, the analysis is deeply flawed. For instance, the last one is this:

Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith 

You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Which is odd because the questionnaire asks several questions about religion and 'beliefs' but none about ideology or politics. Let's be clear about my beliefs. I believe in the general description of quantum physics, and in entropy. I do not believe in any 'higher purpose' or 'meaning' to the universe (other than '42'). I believe that we are individually performing a microscopic version of the eventual entropic universe death. We shuffle towards the grave and anything we do in-between birth and death is merely displacement activity. I've chosen to read a lot and to attempt to meliorate the world's misery through politics. And blogging. In some tiny way, I hope to make life more bearable and pleasant for others, but I'm well aware that any contribution is minuscule.

OK. Next 'strength':

Hope, optimism, and future-mindednessYou expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

No. All of that is entirely wrong. Next!

Creativity, ingenuity, and originalityThinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Christ no. That scoffing sound you hear is everyone I've ever met, laughing at whoever constructed this questionnaire. What's coming next?

Industry, diligence, and perseveranceYou work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

Zest, enthusiasm, and energyRegardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

Oh dear me no. I'm nervous and often transfixed by anxiety like a lazy rabbit in the headlights.

And then the rest reveals a complete methodological failure: the responses tell me how other people perceive me, and how I am … based on my answers. This is of course utter nonsense: what the questions elicit is my perception of what other people think, and a view of how I perceive myself, not what this mythical 'I' actually is like.

Perspective (wisdom)

Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

Bravery and valor You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.

And for the record, I don't think this is what you all think of me. I'd be insufferable. And students: if you submit this kind of thing for your dissertations, we'll be having some long and painful conversations.

Sorry about the formatting - bloody Blogger. Anyway, I'm off to write a passage on times I've experienced 'flow', or total absorption in an activity. Tempted to cite blogging…

Before this meeting - my union's AGM, a casework meeting and several other duties. And in the background, John Major and Ed Miliband at Leveson. Be still, my aching heart!

Thanks, readers

Interesting suggestions (keep them coming). I'd forgotten about The Master and the Margarita but agree - it's stunning. I'd also forgotten to list Jane Austen, whose works I go back to several times a year. I'm not so keen on On The Road, though I used to be many years ago. There's just something so self-involved about hippies and proto-hippies. The same goes for Coelho and that whole band of self-styled spiritual gits. They're a result of the 1960s radicals failing to get anywhere. Faced with political defeat, they decided to look inside themselves rather than take the serious choices required to save the world. They couldn't accept the external authority of organised religion, so they made up a load of old cobblers - from Scientology to self-help - and made pots of dosh on the way. I hate it. The only books I'd happily burn are those under 'Mind, Body, Spirit'. Savonarola was right.

Let's be clear, the only rules you need for a happier life in the West are:

1. Eat less.

2. Walk more.

3. Try to be more kind to people. Even students. Not Tories - they deserve a spade through the face.

4. Buy fewer things.

5. Read more.

Did anyone watch Stuart Lee's Comedy Vehicle last night? The man is a genius because he's intelligent, has a sense of the absurd, and is right about the gaping cultural void in our lives which we seem only to be able to fill through the purchase of pointless, empty objets. We've exchanged our messy, tasteless, jumbly, interesting lives for houses, clothes and activities designed to make ourselves indistinguishable from the 'lifestyles' of show-homes and the fake nuclear families featured in adverts. Resist! Swap your plasma TV for a ferret, or a book, or a train-set - whatever makes you happy in your own odd way - and stop worrying about what other people think of your lifestyle.

(Easy for me to say, of course - I'm used to the condescension or pity evinced by students, friends, family when my 'career' comes up).