The Oracle Speaks!

Clear the decks folks, I've got incoming! 


Yes, an actual letter, on real House of Commons notepaper, dictated by the great man Paul Uppal MP himself - and it's a peach. 


You may recall that I took issue with this greasy, grovelling speech Uppal made in support of that corrupt fixer Liam Fox, who subsequently resigned as Minister of Defence:

I thank my right hon. Friend for the sterling work he has done in respect of Sri Lanka. Will he elaborate on the work that he has done in relation to the Sri Lanka Development Trust, and specifically on the work that Ministers have done in that regard?

I smelt a rat. It crossed my nasty, suspicious mind that Uppal knew absolutely nothing about Fox's 'sterling work' in Sri Lanka, and was simply kissing bottom in the hope of tangible or reputational benefit - building social capital, in other words. 


So I asked him:

Dear Mr Uppal,

the Hansard record of Defence Questions records you complimenting Dr Liam Fox on his 'sterling work' in Sri Lanka in regard to the Sri Lanka Development Trust. Newspaper investigations reveal that the two bodies forming the Sri Lanka Development Trust, the Sri Lanka Infrastructure Development Fund and the Sri Lanka Charitable Fund do not have the requisite permits to operate in Sri Lanka, and appear to have undertaken no activity other than to pay for Dr. Fox's aeroplane tickets. Could you explain to me a) what the 'sterling work' might be, b) what you knew about the Sri Lanka Infrastructure Development Fund and the Sri Lanka Charitable Fund at the time you addressed the House on this issue and c) the sources of your information on this matter?

If he had done any homework, he'd have found out that the 'Sri Lanka Development Trust' wasn't legally registered in that country, and its only 'work' was to pay for Liam's flights. So it was a front for Fox's dubious huckstering. 


So what does little Paul say?

Though I have never spoken directly to Dr Fox regarding his work in Sri Lanka, I sat in on several briefings for members of Parliament in which his work was discussed. Like yourself, I was surprised with the information that came to light regarding some of the facts regarding the Development Trust. 

To me, this sentence is a weaselly masterpiece: it displays Uppal's talent at what the tabloids call a 'reverse ferret': entirely changing one's opinions without ever admitting that one even had a different opinion, and edging away from the previous object of adoration. It also neatly evades my original question: what was the 'sterling work' Liam Fox was doing? My suspicion is that Uppal has no idea. The 'briefing' was, I suspect, a list of question handed out to obeisant backbenchers ordered to support Fox in his hour of need. The problem with hounds, however, is that they obey the Master, not the Fox: once the order is given, they'll join in the feeding frenzy. Un-Fantastic Mr. Fox was disembowelled by his own. 


The rest of the letter, sadly, rehashed Fox's evasive and dishonest resignation statement, claims that Fox saved Libya, and - worst of all - uses the phrase 'going forward', which in my book is the verbal tic of the scoundrel. 


Now, you might object to me pursuing this one. MP grovels to his superiors in hope of future advancement - what a shocker! But that's exactly what I object to. We're so used to our representatives playing these seedy, dishonest games that we forget that they're meant to have their minds fixed on higher things. If we just accept that they're weaselly chisellers, they've won. We need more people picking them up on the little evasions, the arse-kissing, the contempt for principle - and the public - that they evince so frequently. 


Let's point and laugh every time they ask a planted question, each time they score petty points off each other rather than pursuing the public interest, every time they behave tribally rather than maturely. If we don't make them grow up, nobody will. 

Welcome back, the Passive Tense

Liam Fox, disgraced former Defence Secretary made a statement in the House of Commons today. It was an extraordinary performance, notable mostly for its gushing sentimentality, cynicism, and a bitter attack on the press for holding the powerful to account (which was the subject of today's The Only Way Is Ethics class).

But amidst the bluster was a perfect example of what I like to call the Politicians' Passive:

The ministerial code had been found to be breached and for this I am sorry. I accept that it is not only the substance but perception that matters and that is why I chose to resign. I accept the consequences for me without bitterness or rancour.

It's a masterpiece: not 'I've done something wrong' but 'the code had been found to be breached': that's four verbs in eight words! He's not sorry for what he's done, he's sorry for this mysterious finding that the code had been breached (by whom?). The implication, of course, is that he did nothing wrong. That impression is reinforced by 'not only the substance but the perception that matters': he resigned, he says, because people 'perceived' that he'd sinned, not because he actually had.

So to sum up: giving privileged access to special interest groups (a gruesome crew of arms dealers and pro-Israel lobbyists) without oversight isn't wrong. But being caught is.

Liam Fox RIP

In tribute to the Minister, who laid down his friends for his job only for it to backfire, and his bungling sidekick Adam Werritty, here's AC/DC's 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap'.

Pick up the phone, I'm always home/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
Call me anytime/huh, huh, huh
Just ring: three-six-two-four-three-six, hey
I lead a life of crime

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

You got problems in your life of love/huh, huh, huh, huh
You got a broken heart/huh, huh, huh
He's double-dealin' with your best friend/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
That's when the teardrops start FELLA, well-uh/huh, huh, huh
Pick up the phone, I'm here alone/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
Or make a social call/huh, huh, huh, huh
Come right in, forget about him
We'll have ourselves a ball, eh


It's time you made a stand/huh, huh, huh, huh
For a fee, I'm happy to be
Your back door man, hey


Concrete shoes
Cyanide
T.N.T
Done dirt cheap
Ooo, neckties
Contracts
High voltage
Done dirt cheap, eah

Dirty deeds, do anything you want me to, done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds, dirty deeds, dirty deeds, done dirt cheap

Once more, Mr Uppal, with feeling?

A few days ago, our egregious MP Paul Uppal, put this 'question' to Liam Fox, the Defence Secretary:

Paul Uppal (Wolverhampton South West, Conservative) I thank my right hon. Friend for the sterling work he has done in respect of Sri Lanka. Will he elaborate on the work that he has done in relation to the Sri Lanka Development Trust, and specifically on the work that Ministers have done in that regard?

The newspapers have been taking a look at Liam Fox's 'sterling work he has done is respect of Sri Lanka'. It consists of setting up two linked bodies: a corporation and a charity:

the Sri Lanka Infrastructure Development Fund, which was intended to raise money abroad from investors who would then share in the profit of ventures on the country, and the Sri Lanka Charitable Fund which would undertake charitable projects in Tamil areas in the north and east.

Unfortunately:

Inquiries in Colombo could not establish any activity the trust or its subsidiaries have so far carried out. Aid experts, senior politicians and officials in Sri Lanka said they had no knowledge of the trust. Nether the trust nor its subsidiaries are registered by the National Secretariat for Non-Governmental Organisations, a prerequisite for any such project.

So what have they done?

The only activity the Sri Lanka Development Trust appears to have engaged in has been the payment of up to £7,500 of Fox's travel expenses, incurred on three trips to the country in 2009 and 2010.

So what we have is a dubious body set up in conjunction with Bell Pottinger PR (employed by the murderous Sri Lankan regime to improve its reputation internationally). It hasn't done anything other than help a government minister with his air fares - outside the normal paradigms of ministerial behaviour.


What is Fox up to?

 a senior Whitehall source said the minister had been operating a "maverick foreign policy"

So we have a minister with extensive business interests running his own operation in clear contradiction of the government's fairly decent attitude towards Sri Lanka.


And yet drones like Paul Uppal describe this as 'sterling work'. Is he merely stupid or actively cynical? I sense a letter coming:

Dear Mr Uppal,
the Hansard record of Defence Questions records you complimenting Dr Liam Fox on his 'sterling work' in Sri Lanka in regard to the Sri Lanka Development Trust. Newspaper investigations reveal that the two bodies forming the Sri Lanka Development Trust, the Sri Lanka Infrastructure Development Fund and the Sri Lanka Charitable Fund do not have the requisite permits to operate in Sri Lanka, and appear to have undertaken no activity other than to pay for Dr. Fox's aeroplane tickets. Could you explain to me a) what the 'sterling work' might be, b) what you knew about the Sri Lanka Infrastructure Development Fund and the Sri Lanka Charitable Fund at the time you addressed the House on this issue and c) the sources of your information on this matter?
Yours etc.

Start the clock…


Update: Fox has now resigned. Is there a Curse of Uppal? Who can we get him to compliment next?

Meet Liam Fox's new special advisor

Like Adam Werritty, I've got a business card to prove it:

You can get one too: click here.

and here's the Wordle version of Foxy's statement to the House of Commons:

Paul Uppal: will he never find a war criminal he doesn't like?

The MP elected to represent the interests of his poor, Midlands constituents is - of course - pursuing rather unedifying subjects of his own. 


Hot on the heels of Liam Fox, the Defence Secretary's dubious meetings with President Rajapaksa of Sri Lanka (who presided over the wholesale slaughter of Tamil civilians and arrested for treason a man who dared stand against him in the elections), Paul Uppal spies opportunity knocking. 


Who's he talking too? Well, it's Foxy himself. Clearly the presence of Fox's business partner, researcher, flatmate and best man at every meeting he had doesn't deter our doughty defender of business interests:

Paul Uppal (Wolverhampton South West, Conservative) I thank my right hon. Friend for the sterling work he has done in respect of Sri Lanka. Will he elaborate on the work that he has done in relation to the Sri Lanka Development Trust, and specifically on the work that Ministers have done in that regard?

Liam Fox (Secretary of State, Defence; North Somerset, Conservative) As I have said, the point of involvement in Sri Lanka is to create greater stability which will contribute to stability in the region. I was particularly keen to see a mechanism for investment that could reduce some of the regulatory restrictions imposed by the Sri Lankan Government, on the basis that a proportion of the profits would go into social projects that would benefit ethnic minorities. I still hope that that project will succeed, and give it my full support.

To recap: Sri Lanka's government murdered thousands of people, and Dr. Fox paid a social call to Rajapaksa to congratulate him, bringing along his little pet. Now he reckons the only problems is Sri Lanka are 'regulatory restrictions'. Here are some highlights:

One of the most serious claims of violations of the laws of war and human rights law centers on the shelling of civilian areas, including hospitals, during the final phases of the conflict.

The Sri Lankan army has been accused of knowingly shelling Puthukudiyiruppu Hospital in February 2009. When an eyewitness to that incident, Dr. T. Vartharajah – one of the Tamil government doctors who was detained by the army at the end of the conflict was questioned about this incident, LLRC members repeatedly asked about the position of LTTE artillery, the presence of LTTE members inside the hospital and LTTE imposed restrictions on freedom of movement. Dr. Vartharajah was never asked whether government forces shelled the hospital. (After some time in detention, Dr. Vartharajah publicly recanted reports of civilian war casualties at a government-sponsored press conference, leading to charges that he had been compelled to contradict his earlier statements.) 

Enforced disappearances are a gross violation of human rights and a particularly persistent form of abuse in Sri Lanka – where tens of thousands from earlier periods of conflict still remain unresolved and unpunished – but enforced disappearance is not specified as a crime under Sri Lankan law  

No doubt the whole exchange is part of the whipped (i.e. compulsory) Tory turnout in defence of their bent colleague, which shows you what a mightily independent 'thinker' Mr Uppal is. If you need an arse licked, he's your man. I hope he's proud of himself.

Our turn to eat

I don't know if you've been following the Liam Fox story, but in case you haven't, the Secretary of State for Defence is accused of giving private advantage to his best man and former flatmate, Adam Werritty. When Fox was shadow Health secretary, Werritty was on the board of a health firm. When Fox moved to Defence, Werritty found a defence firm directorship: and Fox was a shareholder (which looks dubious enough).

Werritty ran Atlantic Bridge - a 'charity' which was recently disbanded when the Charity Commission decided it was just a dodgy political front (directors: Fox, Chancellor Osborne, the Education Secretary Michael Gove…) - from Fox's office, and it now seems like taxpayers' money was used to fund Werrity.

I expected this kind of thing to pop up pretty quickly. You have to understand the Tories - and to some extent their near-identical counterparts in New Labour. The Tories think that they're the natural party of government, and they believe that what's good for business is good for the country. Because they're a monetary and class élite, they don't have the self-doubt that - for example - Ernie Bevin or Atlee would have had. They aren't answerable to anyone. If they do it, it must be right. Their tribe gets its turn to eat: there are no moral qualms about this stuff - that's a liberal trait. It's just how business is done. They don't perceive wheeler-dealers as flies buzzing around the government cow as a pest, because that's just how business is done. Perhaps the aristocratic Tories like Macmillan wouldn't have behaved like this, because they distrusted the world of commerce, but the City Tories believe in jockeying for personal advantage: corruption is an alien term for them.

30 years ago, someone in Fox's position would have resigned at the first whiff of scandal to retain his and the government's honour. Those days are over.