Advice for Uppals

As you know, my normal mode of communication with Paul Uppal MP is shouting from the moral heights down at him in the moral depths, but for a change, I'm going to pass on some advice (though he probably won't be able to tune in - as he sometimes does from a House of Commons computer - because Parliament's IT services have blocked all blogspot sites - including those of several MPs).

OK, to the advice. It's 'buy Paul Flynn MP's new book, How To Be An MP'. I know it's a bit late, given that you've been one for a couple of years now, and you won't be one for much longer (you only got in this time because loads of Labour voters abstained: the Tory vote hardly shifted) with your majority of 691.

Flynn's seen people like you before. The cover of the book features the 'types' of MP, including 'virtuoso bore', 'single issue eccentric' (though your dishonesty on the matter of tax breaks for yourself makes you more than an irritant) and 'irritant'. However, having started off by misleading parliament and joining a rather dubious list of all-party parliamentary groups, I think he might, given enough time and opportunity, aspire to becoming a 'Sleaze Monger':

Little talent or qualification is required, only guile and a thick skin. The job is to ask questions, fix meetings with ministers and make speeches prepared by Avarice Unlimited plc, Despot-stan, or Pharma-larceny… exceptional mental flexibility is required to pile up private riches while posing as the servant of the masses… Self deception is a potent force when lubricated with money. 

I think I've found his niche…

Other useful sections include 'How To Tweet':

Constituents can enjoy a constant communion of ideas and inspiration with their Honourable Member. Strive to find the best words to create a striking aphorism or a haiku… The best MPs use Twitter to argue and debate with people they might never have met but whose ideas are interesting and important (and sometimes idiotic and obnoxious, but that's democracy). 

If you're familiar with Mr. Uppal's Twitter stream, you'll understand why he needs to read this section twice. Or have someone explain it to him. He rarely replies to anyone, and they're always Tories when he does - he sees Twitter as a propaganda tool rather than a conversation (unlike Flynn). The 'How to Blog' section probably isn't worth reading: he faked one before the election, deleted some comments he didn't like and gave up. He's one of those of whom Flynn (an excellent blogger) sees as 'terrified of saying anything interesting. They hold that thinking is optional and originality dangerous for MPs'. Whereas blogging, says Flynn, 'is a welcome discipline to jump-start the synapses into daily callisthenics'. Works for me… or does it?

I won't quote the 'How To Please Constituents' section, because he's shown no interest in that at all: he turns up at Tory-friendly events, says something shifty to retain their votes, then slinks back to his tax-planning. Suffice it to say, a good MP does more than wheel out his or her own financial interests and loony beliefs, prefixing each sentences with 'my constituents tell me' as though we can't see through that. Paul can also skip the 'How to be Re-elected' section (he's beyond help), though 'How To Resign' might come in useful.

I'll close with this quotation, sent to me by an expert in Jacobite drama, which she felt might suit the errant MP:


…to hold a place
In Counsell, which was once esteem'd an honour,
And a reward for vertue, hath quite lost
Lustre, and Reputation, and is made
A mercenary purchase.
From whence it proceeds,
That the treasure of the City is ingros'd
By a few private men

Philip Massinger, The Bondsman.

This'll silence you carpers

I meant to post this a while back, when unreconstructed Classic Labour MP Paul Flynn mentioned it.

It's pure genius. It's a loving tribute to Newport in all its grimy glory, and to Jay-Z's 'Empire State of Mind'. Top marks for the use of the word 'babbles' and rhyming Rap Star with Hamster.

Enough of me. All hail 'Newport (Ymerodraeth State of Mind)'. Ymerodraeth is Welsh for 'Empire'.

Paul Flynn MP, hero

This is Classic Labour MP Paul Flynn on one of the worst New Labour ministers (now departed to fat directorships), John Hutton:

On many occasions I have criticised former Minister John Hutton. I have never seen the point of him. Personality free, he is a blank page who always bears the imprint of the last lobbyist who sat on him. The answers he has given to all the questions I have asked him prove that he is stupid. Now there are allegations that he is greedy. Of course. That's in fashion now.

Read more here.

Multiculturalism is just brilliant

I've ranted about Britishness a couple of times recently - lots of people read it but not many commented. Paul Flynn, MP for Newport, gives a brilliant example:

Today I visited a new 'Welsh Crescent' centre for education in the Koran, Islamic studies, Urdu, Arabic and Bengali. It is situated next door to a Polish/Russian food shop whose owner is from Azerbaijan. On the opposite side of the road is a large Irish Club next door to a Mosque. Further own the street is South Wales biggest Afro Caribbean Club. In London, I lived in area of Portuguese tapas bars and a pub named Vasco da Gama. Groups cluster in national groups. The speakers of 38 languages are happily living side by side in Newport mainly in the Pillgwenlly area.

Now this may be some people's idea of hell but I think it's rather wonderful. The simple answer is: if you invade most of the world, wreck their development and empty their mines, they'll want to follow the money, and you owe them in a big way, so shut up.

You'll also love reading Flynn's account of one of his Tory opponents ('How to Pick a Tory') - it's completely hilarious.

War, on drugs

Paul Flynn castigates the idiocy of the Afghan policy - the result of eight years of war is that 95% of heroin in Britain comes from a country flooded with Western troops, the same proportion as when the Taliban ran the country. The only difference is that heroin is now massively cheaper than it was then. A victory for capitalism, at least.

MPs: what a bargain

Over on his blog, Paul Flynn MP, who's bright and scrupulously honest, has published his monthly expenses - as all MPs should have been doing for a long time. Amidst all the hysteria - justified in many cases - we should note that actually, most MPs do an arduous job, very cheaply. In the US, Congress and Senate representatives have huge staff, cost millions of dollars, and spend a lot of their time collecting money from special interest groups, repaid massively by blocking legislation (e.g. on smoking cessation, or environmental improvement). As the Texas saying goes, 'you have to dance with them what brung you', as Bush certainly did with the oil companies.

Sure, lots of our MPs, ministers - and civil servants - apparently see their positions as opportunities to demonstrate how useful they can be too big business afterwards - but they are mostly honest and hardworking.

I say mostly - let me introduce you to Anthony Steen, knight of the realm and Tory MP for Totnes:

After pondering the question of exactly why people were so angry over his claim for the treatment of 500 trees in the grounds of his house, he offered a succinct explanation today:

"Jealousy". "I've done nothing criminal, that's the most awful thing, and do you know what it's about? Jealousy," Steen said. "I've got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral." Steen spoke out after announcing on Wednesday he would stand down as an MP at the next election. He denied his hand had been forced by Cameron. "The pressure came from the constituents. For the last week I've been taking soundings and they are absolutely beside themselves with anger."

Steen later issued an apology after he was upbraided by the leadership for distorting his talks with Cameron. Cameron also forced the former Tory minister Sir Peter Viggers to announce his retirement after Viggers claimed £1,645 for a floating duck island.

(Report and picture from The Guardian)

Some dreadful political puns

I haven't moaned about politicians for a few days. Why is Hazel Blears still employed, even though non-Ministers have been suspended from the Party for doing the same thing? Perhaps because he'd have to sack several other ministers too, and perhaps because she's vindictive enough to devote the rest of her career to undermining the Labour Party.

Have you noticed that the more rightwing the MPs are, the more corrupt they are? Rob Marris (though by my standards he's quite rightwing): innocent. Paul Flynn: innocent. Dennis Skinner: innocent. Hazel Blears, Geoff Hoon, Tories who charged us for 'duck islands' and moat cleaning: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY.

There's a simple ideological reason for this. Being rightwing means privileging individualism. The appeal of the Tories and of New Labour is this: do whatever you can to get ahead, and we'll reward you. Everybody else is a loser. So naturally, corner-cutting and fraud is admirable under this system.

Socialism said: there's plenty to go round, so if we work together and look after each other, all our lives will improve.

So socialists don't steal from the citizens and capitalists do.

Pun time. The full details of MPs expenses aren't out yet. Did Bill Cash in? What did Ken Purchase? Did David Borrow? Did Liam Fox his constituents? Is Joan Humble? Were Greg Hands in the till? Does Sir Michael Lord it over us? Is Paddy Tipping a racist sport? When it came to negotiating with the fees office, did Jon Trickett? If so, did Derek Twigg? Was there a Steve Webb of deceit? Finally, was Tony Wright? Feel free to add more…

Mae Hen Gwlad fy Nhadau

Paul Flynn points out very succinctly that despite London's New Labour sucking corporate organs of generation enthusiastically, it's very different in Wales, presumably because there isn't a social gulf between electorate and elected. He also relates this 'clear red water' to Welsh traditions of participatory democracy and radicalism (though there's also been a strong undercurrent of cultural and religious conservatism at times, which as a Catholic of Irish descent he presumably knows about, and some areas of Wales are as politically corrupt and lazy as a one-party state can be).

No university fees, no prescription fees, free school meals for all pupils etc. etc. etc. Truly, Wales is a socialist (he calls it 'Classic Labour') wonderland as well as being a beautiful and cultured nation. Except for Tredegar.

The wages of spin

Damian McBride, Derek Draper and LabourList (a propagandist mirror of the much more independent conservative.home) are so utterly embarrassing for the left. They're symptomatic of a party hierarchy that's totally lost sight of its purpose and of any strategic aims. Rather than communicate the positive benefits of a Labour government, or the genuinely evil aims of the Tories, they've decided, because they all read Guido Fawkes and the other nasty-minded Tory bloggers, that the voters don't care about ideas. Instead, think these toads, gossip and ad hominem attacks are what matters in politics now. They're so tragically old-fashioned it's sad. They read Fukuyama's The End of History in the 90s and believed the argument that socialism was dead and capitalism had won. Once there's no ideological debate, party politics becomes a matter of marketing, of triangulation and of personalities.

But capitalism is utterly wounded now. The Tories have a clear line on this: taxpayers should save capitalism and the rich, and then everything will be alright. Labour are screwed because it took so much psychological effort to become capitalists that they can't get out of their 90s mindset that anyone with a Blackberry and a second home is automatically morally and politically superior to us all. So the party minions like McBride et al. ape their opposition and waste their time with silly stunts, persuading everybody that there isn't a single politician out there who actually cares about the country rather than himself. Actually, there are - people like Paul Flynn, Norman Baker and Dennis Skinner.

Good horse sense

Paul Flynn is an honest, hard-working, humorous… MP! He points out that horse-riding kills many more people than cannabis and ecstasy combined: ban it now.