This just in from the Department of Irony

Well well, Uppal's tweeting from the House of Commons:

In the chamber, hoping to contribute to the debate on the future of town centres and high streets

If you're a regular reader of Plashing Vole, or you follow Uppal's exploits on They Work For You, you'll be able to write his speech in advance:

1. Shoppers only. No charity collectors, layabouts, anti-consumerists or citizens.
2. End all taxes on commercial property owners.
3. Public space to be abolished and turned over to commercial property owners. There is only one conceivable use for space: retail.

What you won't hear:

Mr. Speaker, I should declare an interest before I say anything else. I own commercial property worth millions of pounds and the British Property Federation described me as 'our man in Parliament'. So you should assume that everything I say is informed by my desire to enrich myself and my friends without regard to the public good.