Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Another satisfied reader

This delightful missive came straight to my email yesterday!
From: Burst Ovary, bofetot@hotmail.com
Subject: A really important question 
Mm. Charming address. 
Is it true that your interest in fencing lies in the appeal of using a big rapier to make up for having a thimble dick?
Yes! Yes it is! Nobody's ever realised that before. Not even my therapist, whom you'd think would have got there years ago. Judging by the lexical choice, spelling and aggression, this is either a module evaluation or one of my American readers.
Concerning Lard of the Onion Rings (Speaking of food, I bet you get back at Hormel by eating out of the rubbish bin):
Was that colon going anywhere? Have I mentioned Tolkien or onion rings recently? Do you work for Hormel? Are rhetorical questions really annoying? 
Don't flatter yourself into thinking that your shithole has any value that can be tarnished by the author inhabiting it.
This is a bit confusing. I can't work out whether it's me or my environs which are being insulted more here.  
It would benefit the world greatly that the hobbles of butt pirates like you be paved over so that others can drive to better places with less congestion to slow them down.
 Hobbles? Butt pirates? I'm sensing hostility. 
Thanks Detective Dipwit for your knee-jerk work to
ensure that universities in the United Kingdom will be little more than a circle jerk of know it alls.
There's a certain sonority in 'knee-jerk work', but the repetition of 'jerk' subverts the polemical thrust of the accusation. The lack of hyphenation in 'circle jerk' and 'know it alls' implies that the author could do with a little time in the academic circle jerk himself.  
Because names along with addresses can be forged in subversive maneuvering but gay dog porn is more interesting than computer science.
 The logic here defeats me, I must confess. Though the existence of 'gay dog porn' (is that for or about homosexual canines or 1920s bachelor socialites?) is fascinating. As it happens, I have colleagues who work on pornography, whom I shall alert to this new genre. 
On a closing note, Monty Python is a poor excuse for comedy. Bless Tranny Gagger and Maggot Puking with seven years of suck. (That's Terry Gilliams and Michael Palin if your misfiring cerebral processor under that used carpet made of donkey's pubic hair.)
It's not really a closing note: there's another sentence coming. I must inform my close friends Terry and Mike of this challenge forthwith! The very next time we chat over the fence of our Hawaiian compounds. Also, I'm not sure that donkeys have pubic hair. Don't they just have an all-over covering?
Also it would help greatly to remove that flute up your ass given how that terrible facial expression in your portrait outweighs any charm that musical flatulence might have. 
You know, I have been suffering intestinal pain recently. A musical instrument may just explain the discomfort. But the reference to my portrait may indicate a case of mistaken identity: here's the picture accompanying Plashing Vole: he's in no pain whatsoever. 

So: my first troll. A disappointing experience, I feel. The direct email meant that nobody else got to enjoy it. The polemic was disjointed, the lexical choices limited and the underlying themes (anal insertion, homosexuality as a negative, cultural disagreements) banal. Mr (or Ms) Ovary really must try harder. Come on, Burst. Have another go!


Historian on the Edge said...

Student. Must be. Grrrr....

Kat said...

Thank you for sharing your troll. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Could be from a Tory or someone with 'indigestion' caused by eating recipes from the Tory True Blue Cookbook, or whatever it is called!