I've spent the last couple of days fantasising about inappropriate film remakes. Then Shackleford Hurtmore tells me that there's a Hollywood remake of School for Scoundrels.
As a way of proving Hollywood's artistic, political and cultural bankruptcy, here's the tennis match scene from the British original and the trailer for the modern American remake.
Let the bombing commence.
And because I can, here's the Cuban Boys' song sampling the original film's dialogue:
Showing posts with label films. Show all posts
Showing posts with label films. Show all posts
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Monday, 23 July 2012
Monday's Muse
An idle conversation yesterday about Hollywood's addiction to remakes led to us speculating about the few decent films which haven't been re-filmed, and who might star in them.
My vote goes to Arnie and Aniston in Casablanca (though this time the Arabs would be the enemy and the Nazis and Brits would team up to defeat the Islamists). 'Of all ze bars in ze vorld, she valks into mine. Now give me your clothes, your boots and your transit permits'. Instead of a rousing chorus of the Marseillaise in Rick's, Aniston would sing the cat song from Friends.
What else? Brief Encounter would of course be set in an American airport. After queuing for several hours to be groped by rude TSA staff, Jim Carrey - in the Trevor Howard role - would do his wobbly face thing, before going to the gents' for sex with J-Lo, the Celia Johnson de nos jours. No doubt the script would find room for some comedy animals. Perhaps an orang-utan. Instead of the Rachmaninov Piano Concerto 2 which pervades the film, Jack Black would be overseeing the soundtrack which would include some Pink, Pussycat Dolls and Bon Jovi. Rather than sorrowfully parting under the weight of their responsibilities, J-Lo calls up her girlfriends and they all run away to Acapulco together, whooping like only celluloid Americans can whoop. As they leave, Jim Carrey drops a bag of flour from the cockpit on J-Lo's husband's head (Danny Glover? Don Cheadle) and we all laugh. Roll credits. (I gather there's a Sophia Loren/Richard Burton remake which could frankly go either way).
Going the other way, I'd quite like to see a Lars von Trier remake of Carry On Up The Khyber (funny that Afghanistan doesn't seem quite so amusing these days) 't any of the Carry On Series. Bjork would make a magnificent Babs Windsor, Madonna's a natural for Hattie Jaques, while Klaus Kinski would slot perfectly into the Kenneth Williams roles. Sid James would be trickier to cast, but I reckon Christopher Ecclestone has the comedy chops to manage it. Tom Hanks would obviously replace Bernard Breslaw. We could probably find a part for Sir Kenneth of Branagh and Nicholas Cage too.
(Warning - contains white British actors playing 'comedy' Afghans).
Also bubbling under - Reese Witherspoon in Twelve Angry Blondes. Alan Carr in For A Fistful of Dollars. Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks in The Front Page or His Girl Friday and of course the cast of EastEnders in It's A Wonderful Life (in which Phil Mitchell murders Clarence in the first scene. Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Babette's Feast? Finally, A Matter of Life and Death desperately needs the talents of the cast of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
OK, time for your suggestions. What needs remaking, and who would you cast?
My vote goes to Arnie and Aniston in Casablanca (though this time the Arabs would be the enemy and the Nazis and Brits would team up to defeat the Islamists). 'Of all ze bars in ze vorld, she valks into mine. Now give me your clothes, your boots and your transit permits'. Instead of a rousing chorus of the Marseillaise in Rick's, Aniston would sing the cat song from Friends.
What else? Brief Encounter would of course be set in an American airport. After queuing for several hours to be groped by rude TSA staff, Jim Carrey - in the Trevor Howard role - would do his wobbly face thing, before going to the gents' for sex with J-Lo, the Celia Johnson de nos jours. No doubt the script would find room for some comedy animals. Perhaps an orang-utan. Instead of the Rachmaninov Piano Concerto 2 which pervades the film, Jack Black would be overseeing the soundtrack which would include some Pink, Pussycat Dolls and Bon Jovi. Rather than sorrowfully parting under the weight of their responsibilities, J-Lo calls up her girlfriends and they all run away to Acapulco together, whooping like only celluloid Americans can whoop. As they leave, Jim Carrey drops a bag of flour from the cockpit on J-Lo's husband's head (Danny Glover? Don Cheadle) and we all laugh. Roll credits. (I gather there's a Sophia Loren/Richard Burton remake which could frankly go either way).
Going the other way, I'd quite like to see a Lars von Trier remake of Carry On Up The Khyber (funny that Afghanistan doesn't seem quite so amusing these days) 't any of the Carry On Series. Bjork would make a magnificent Babs Windsor, Madonna's a natural for Hattie Jaques, while Klaus Kinski would slot perfectly into the Kenneth Williams roles. Sid James would be trickier to cast, but I reckon Christopher Ecclestone has the comedy chops to manage it. Tom Hanks would obviously replace Bernard Breslaw. We could probably find a part for Sir Kenneth of Branagh and Nicholas Cage too.
(Warning - contains white British actors playing 'comedy' Afghans).
Also bubbling under - Reese Witherspoon in Twelve Angry Blondes. Alan Carr in For A Fistful of Dollars. Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks in The Front Page or His Girl Friday and of course the cast of EastEnders in It's A Wonderful Life (in which Phil Mitchell murders Clarence in the first scene. Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in Babette's Feast? Finally, A Matter of Life and Death desperately needs the talents of the cast of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
OK, time for your suggestions. What needs remaking, and who would you cast?
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Film reviews from the FBI
I'm reading Hoberman's An Army of Phantoms: American Movies and the Making of the Cold War, which examines Hollywood's rush from liberal to reactionary in the 1940s and after. 1930s Hollywood was often properly leftwing: the rise of fascism and the destitution caused by Depression and the Dustbowl gave rise to sympathetic portrayals of the working-class which is now held not to exist.
During the war, the Soviet entry on the Allied cause produced propaganda films such as Mission to Moscow, but the moment didn't last. Casablanca appeared in 1942-3: by 1947 its authors had been fired for their 'premature anti-fascism'. Reagan was an FBI informer from 1941, and I Married A Communist (1949) was a plot to expose 'pinko' directors: Howard Hughes made sure that the 13 directors who turned down the job had their careers wrecked (part of the reason why British TV and film was so strong in the 1950s was the influx of blacklisted writers, actors and directors).
Individuals were driven to inform on spouses and friends - some killed themselves or were driven out of town. Richard Collins co-operated with the witch-hunts: his ex-wife Dorothy Comingore was accused of letting her children play in a Communist's swimming pool and lost custody, before being framed on a counterfeit money charge: she was later framed for 'soliciting' and also spent time in a mental hospital, before spending the rest of her live in poverty and obscurity. John Garfield, strong-armed into co-operating with the FBI, finally refused to testify against his own wife, and died of a heart attack at 39.
One thing the FBI was skilled at, was identifying good films as liberal (to me, the two go together). Mr Smith Goes To Washington was 'decidedly Socialist in nature', while It's A Wonderful Life was 'an obvious attempt to discredit bankers' (Jimmy Stewart's George runs a building society which stands up for the little people discarded by the vampiric bankers). Clearly for the Feds, any critique of actually existing capitalism - however sentimental - was Communist subversion. Certainly hardline Republican Stewart would have been surprised, to say the least, that these films' sentimental populism was disloyal.
During the war, the Soviet entry on the Allied cause produced propaganda films such as Mission to Moscow, but the moment didn't last. Casablanca appeared in 1942-3: by 1947 its authors had been fired for their 'premature anti-fascism'. Reagan was an FBI informer from 1941, and I Married A Communist (1949) was a plot to expose 'pinko' directors: Howard Hughes made sure that the 13 directors who turned down the job had their careers wrecked (part of the reason why British TV and film was so strong in the 1950s was the influx of blacklisted writers, actors and directors).
Individuals were driven to inform on spouses and friends - some killed themselves or were driven out of town. Richard Collins co-operated with the witch-hunts: his ex-wife Dorothy Comingore was accused of letting her children play in a Communist's swimming pool and lost custody, before being framed on a counterfeit money charge: she was later framed for 'soliciting' and also spent time in a mental hospital, before spending the rest of her live in poverty and obscurity. John Garfield, strong-armed into co-operating with the FBI, finally refused to testify against his own wife, and died of a heart attack at 39.
Dorothy Comingore
One thing the FBI was skilled at, was identifying good films as liberal (to me, the two go together). Mr Smith Goes To Washington was 'decidedly Socialist in nature', while It's A Wonderful Life was 'an obvious attempt to discredit bankers' (Jimmy Stewart's George runs a building society which stands up for the little people discarded by the vampiric bankers). Clearly for the Feds, any critique of actually existing capitalism - however sentimental - was Communist subversion. Certainly hardline Republican Stewart would have been surprised, to say the least, that these films' sentimental populism was disloyal.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Not suitable for children. Or adults.
This film ticks every single box in my list of pet hates.
1. Based on a schmaltzy, manipulative book which easily-impressed people think counts as Literature (see also: The Time Traveler's Wife).
2. Features Tom Hanks.
3. Uses U2's music.
4. Employs the Twin Towers atrocity as a plot device to explore said schmaltzy themes. This is the worst offence of the lot. I genuinely think that Love, Actually was the most degrading, immoral and reprehensible film in the history of cinema because it used footage of 9/11 simply to get people in a sentimental frame of mind for a romantic comedy.
I can't find a useful clip of the actual film, but here's an animation of the whole hateful monologue, which to me is the definition of cynicism.
Those people did not die so that Richard Curtis, Jonathan Foer and Hollywood studios can make money during the half-term. When Karlheinz Stockhausen said this about 9/11:
he was making a profound, challenging, deeply offensive point: one which showed he understood that 9/11 was as much a symbolic event as an actual one. However wrong you think he might be, at least he didn't use the murders of 3000 people to sell a few cinema tickets.
1. Based on a schmaltzy, manipulative book which easily-impressed people think counts as Literature (see also: The Time Traveler's Wife).
2. Features Tom Hanks.
3. Uses U2's music.
4. Employs the Twin Towers atrocity as a plot device to explore said schmaltzy themes. This is the worst offence of the lot. I genuinely think that Love, Actually was the most degrading, immoral and reprehensible film in the history of cinema because it used footage of 9/11 simply to get people in a sentimental frame of mind for a romantic comedy.
I can't find a useful clip of the actual film, but here's an animation of the whole hateful monologue, which to me is the definition of cynicism.
Those people did not die so that Richard Curtis, Jonathan Foer and Hollywood studios can make money during the half-term. When Karlheinz Stockhausen said this about 9/11:
he was making a profound, challenging, deeply offensive point: one which showed he understood that 9/11 was as much a symbolic event as an actual one. However wrong you think he might be, at least he didn't use the murders of 3000 people to sell a few cinema tickets.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
And…Action!
The 'worst film ever' debate rumbles on. Mark nominates Jude Law and Sadie Frost in Final Cut, of which I'd never heard. It sounds utterly awful though. Here's the trailer:
Meanwhile, I watched a great film last night: Office Space. Perhaps it's because all of us here are worn down by the hostility and stupidity of management, the bureaucratization of a noble profession and the sense that we're merely oiling the wheels of a soulless machine, but this movie really struck a chord.
Additionally, I think watching this film marks some kind of psychological breakthrough for me. Why? Because normally, the second an actor from Friends appears, I switch it off. This time, despite Jennifer Aniston being a human-shaped blank space, I carried on watching. Look at me! I'm engaging in popular culture!
Meanwhile, I watched a great film last night: Office Space. Perhaps it's because all of us here are worn down by the hostility and stupidity of management, the bureaucratization of a noble profession and the sense that we're merely oiling the wheels of a soulless machine, but this movie really struck a chord.
Additionally, I think watching this film marks some kind of psychological breakthrough for me. Why? Because normally, the second an actor from Friends appears, I switch it off. This time, despite Jennifer Aniston being a human-shaped blank space, I carried on watching. Look at me! I'm engaging in popular culture!
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
These boots were made for…
Hello all. Slow start to the day - yesterday's admin marathon left me sluggish, lethargic and comatose.
I tried to buy new hiking socks today - I like Thousand Mile, but no success. Instead, I returned with three more maps - Yr Wyddfa, the Peak District and Harlech/Porthmadog and Y Bala. There's just something compelling about maps, and I'm determined to wean myself of Dan-dependence, just in case his burst of paid employment becomes a habit.
Neal and I watched a truly terrible film yesterday - Teen Wolf Too, which hasn't even humour to soften the edges. He thinks it's the worst film he's ever seen, but I'm not convinced that it's quite as bad as Howard the Duck, The Rocketeer, or (my candidate for worst ever film) Drop Dead Fred, though Peter's Friends must also be hovering around the bottom.
So the floor's open: what's your suggestion?
I tried to buy new hiking socks today - I like Thousand Mile, but no success. Instead, I returned with three more maps - Yr Wyddfa, the Peak District and Harlech/Porthmadog and Y Bala. There's just something compelling about maps, and I'm determined to wean myself of Dan-dependence, just in case his burst of paid employment becomes a habit.
Neal and I watched a truly terrible film yesterday - Teen Wolf Too, which hasn't even humour to soften the edges. He thinks it's the worst film he's ever seen, but I'm not convinced that it's quite as bad as Howard the Duck, The Rocketeer, or (my candidate for worst ever film) Drop Dead Fred, though Peter's Friends must also be hovering around the bottom.
So the floor's open: what's your suggestion?
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