Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Where do they get their ideas?

It seems that lazy plutocrat and self-serving Tory MP Paul Uppal hasn't stirred his stumps much recently - after all, there's nothing politically pressing to deal with at the moment, is there?

So I moseyed on over to his website to see what he was up to, and discovered 'his' statement on the Chancellor's speech. It is, of course, written by a machine at Tory Central Office (and not one familiar with how humans speak: many of the individual phrases return thousands of hits because they're so tired, like this one, this one, this one and this one). Some phrases are lifted from those social Darwinist scum at the Taxpayers' Alliance (chaired by an offshore tax evader), such as 'hard working taxpayers, businesses. What about single people, the unemployed and those exempt from paying tax? They're citizens too!

This mealy-mouthed speech basically says: the recession's not our fault, you might find yourself starving in the gutters, but the bond traders are happy so yah boo sucks to you. (For your information, Paul, UK gilts returns aren't low because you're doing so well: it's because there's nowhere safe to invest any money: low demand leads to low rates. Even I know that, and my degrees are in Welsh literature).

Suspecting that this guff was centrally written and distributed to vacuous backbenchers (surely no-one actually writes this stuff?), I had a quick look round. Uppal's certainly quick off the mark - most of it's not up elsewhere yet. Except for the opening, which he's plagiarised from another speech Osborne made:
George Osborne today announced an Autumn Statement which is designed in tough times for tough times.
Or as Channel 4 has it:
The plan we have set out is designed in tough times for tough times. 
Tougher for us than for multimillionaire property parasite Paul, of course.

Other bits do appear elsewhere, like this economic masterstroke:
We will introduce a National Loan Guarantee Scheme
It promises to underwrite the bankers (SURPRISE!) if they deign to lend any cash to us oiks. But Gideon didn't think it up himself:
We will introduce a National Loan Guarantee Scheme… to underwrite bank lending to businesses. 
Who are these economic geniuses? Er… the British Empire Party. Who? Well, they're fantasy politicians too: it's part of a game called eRepublik, in which Atlantis has only recently sunk beneath the waves. Say what you like about these chaps, they understand the true values of the Conservative Party and where they come from.

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