Wednesday, 2 November 2011

It's obviously Uppal Day!

Fresh from reeling at the shock of Uppal's letter, I'm bombarded with tales of his latest Parliamentary exploits.

Displaying the mental agility we expect of our secret millionaires, he's demonstrated the breadth of his experience by speaking about two subject close to his heart: gangs and hedgehogs (sadly not in the same breath):

To view this issue from a purely financial perspective is prosaic. From my experience, one reason why many young people join gangs is that are seeking a surrogate or substitute family. This is particularly the case among young men who are often looking for a positive male role model. I welcome my right hon. Friend’s initial response on role models. Will she elaborate on how positive male role models could play a role in this issue?

From his experience? Was Paul Uppal MP a youthful gang member? Did he roam the streets of the West Midlands with a flick knife and bicycle chain? Did he snatch handbags? Was he a teenage glue-sniffer? Were the bus seats of Birmingham slashed by his own blades? Or does he mean that he's read Melanie Phillips in the Daily Mail? You decide, readers! (And let's pass over the fact that this is meaningless guff).

But let's move on to Paul's other specialist subject and the burning debate over slug pellets:
To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what steps she is taking to protect (a) hedgehogs and (b) other wildlife from Metaldehyde and Methiocarb slug pellets.
I note that the Secretary of State for Agriculture was not personally present to explain to him that she spends every evening and weekend gently feeding sickened hedgehogs and weaning them back to health, but I'm aware that when the election comes, Uppal and his rivals will be confronted on every doorstep by concerned voters demanding to know what exactly his government has done to salve the plight of Mrs. Tiggywinkle, and why it is that they've spent the past years trying to rescue the economy, provide jobs and bring about world peace.

The answer to his question is frankly obfuscatory. Everyone loves hedgehogs. Chemicals are used very carefully. The government is aware of only ten hedgehogs deaths in the past few years. Which makes me think that they're falling down on the job!)

Perhaps if a male role model gave every gang member a hedgehog to keep safe from slug pellets, we'd have no more teen delinquency. Forward to the sunlit uplands of prosperity!

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