Thursday, 22 September 2011

Spammers: lazy and culturally incurious

My latest missives from the Land of Spam:
From: "Dwyer, Bobby (US)"

But they don't even bother making the incoming and outgoing address match:

I am Mrs Helen Moore, a devoted Christian. I have chosen you for an inheritance. Please contact me for more details. Private contact email  thank you.

Not even a salutation. Even St. Paul, who was a particularly unpleasant Christian, greeted his epistolary friends as 'Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ' (usually before telling them to keep their filthy hands off themselves and others).

Presumably Helen here thinks that her marital status is relevant: after all, St. Paul did say 'better to marry than to burn'. I'd be more likely to respond positively if she knew the difference between 'devoted' and 'devout', but we'll let that pass, because the real question is why her Christianity is relevant. I'm fully aware of the Big Man's love of charity and egalitarian values, but thought that most Christian sects to cough loudly and insert footnotes in those clauses relating to poverty, sharing and altruism. The big movement now is the Prosperity Church network: millionaire pastors telling you that if you're rich, God's bestowing his favour on you. If you're poor, it's a sign that you're hell-bound.

Anyway, I'm deeply gratified that I've been randomly chosen for an inheritance. It reminds of the days when I started getting post addressed to me, around 17 years old. All those lovely glossy gold Reader's Digest Prize Draws which claimed I'd DEFINITELY been selected for a GUARANTEED EXCLUSIVE PRIZE. It was around then that I learned about small print, but not before I'd made several sneaky and rather expensive calls to the EXCLUSIVE PRIZE REGISTRATION LINE. At least email spam is free.

Anyway, I think I'll leave MrsHelenMoore to enjoy her inheritance alone. But if you're lonely, you could always dive into the ecopoetry of another Helen Moore.

May Gaia,
our Great Mother,
speak through me...
may I be a channel,
a conduit for Nature's words!

I'd rather gnaw off my own nipples, but you go ahead.

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